under the stars

[anatural]

WHO: Korra & Hei
WHAT: Their first night in the Spirit World and their first chance for an actual reunion. (nsfw)

[They trek for hours without saying anything, over terrain that varies with neither rhyme nor reason. Sometimes in a desert, other times in a forest, other times across a plain that seems to stretch for miles until suddenly a mountain appears. Hei doesn't ask why they're going the direction they are, for which Korra is grateful because she doesn't know the answer. She doesn't know anything. They're walking not to get anywhere in particular, but to give Korra a chance to figure out what to do, because she can't think while standing still.

Where would Raava have gone? Is there some way she can communicate with the light spirit? Is there anyone in the Spirit World who doesn't completely despise her?

Evening starts to fall, offering no answers, only a reminder that her body is human and, like it or not, needs rest. Luckily(?) they're in a forest. Plenty of material to make camp with.]

We should stop here for the night. [She has to cough a little mid-sentence; her voice rough from disuse.]

Comments

[anatural]

[His words take the sting out of her hurt, leaving just a dull throb of regret. If she had just waited another week to try and catch her uncle, she might have had Hei's help. Everything could have ended differently.

She finishes the slice of rabbit in her hand, but it tastes like leather in her mouth.]

Save some of the rabbit for tomorrow. I'm going to sleep.

[It's not actually what she wants to say. I missed you. I’m glad you’re here. Except her feelings are too jumbled and her heart too sore for those words which at one point wouldn't have felt impossible to say.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei can sense her fatigue, the crippling pressure of her banked sadness. He wishes he could reach out, gather her in. But he's not sure how she'll interpret the gesture. Doesn't trust his own body not to alter -- distort -- the purity of any touch. She's taken on so much responsibility these past few months. The split now, between being the doer and the lover, between duty and reassurance, is going to make everything difficult -- for both of them. Every extraneous emotion seems to be at an apogee. Quietly worried for Korra's sake, he directs his mood to change; to let brooding ebb, acceptance flow. He's here with her. That's what matters. Their reunion is a process that can only take place in steps, or lurches. It's not going to be a smooth slope -- except in the sense that the passage of time will help in and of itself -- and he should expect a series of awkward moments, missteps that end up dissolving earlier progress, but also some small miracles. ]

[ In the meantime, they have a job to do. Find Raava, defeat Unalaq, and clean up the recent mess. ]

[ Setting the scraps of dinner aside, he rises. ]

All right. I'll keep watch.

[ This may not be Heaven's War. There may not be enemy soldiers lurking on the fringes of the camp. But there are an infinitude of other threats. ]

[anatural]

[Any touch would have been welcomed, but he doesn't offer and she doesn't ask. She just curls up in the lean-to and tries to sleep.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ While she slips under the lean-to, Hei wraps the rabbit and fruit up in the kerchief. Positioned by the edge of the campsite, he is surprised at the lack of forest sounds. The jungles of South America were full of them, sly and furtive and skulking. But here it's as if he's caught in a noiseless vacuum sucked clean of life. No birds chirping. No forest animals scuttling beneath the underbrush. Nothing. ]

[ It's eerie, and somehow twice as strenuous as Heaven's War. At least there he'd schooled his ears to differentiate through the melange of sounds for early signals of danger. ]

[ Time unspools slowly. It's only at the first rosy glimmer of dawn does he leave his post, and slip into the lean-to. A cat-nap before their trek resumes is essential. Stretched beside Korra, not quite touching, it is a while before his body begins to undo the buttoned stress of its joints and unzip its clenched muscles; not long after this, he rolls over on his side and sees the outline of Korra's side in a cracked swathe of pale pink sunlight. He reaches out and draws the long fold of his coat across the companionable body, no thought disturbing the friendliness of his act, and then under the warmth of the covers he lays his hand on Korra's hip, and his eyelids drop, and he sleeps. ]

[anatural]

[At some point in the night, she rolls over and scooches closer, wrapping her arms around his waist and burrows her head against his neck. It's not the kind of thing she ever tried with Hei; they cuddled rarely, usually right after sex, and soon after falling asleep they'd both roll their separate ways. But her short (largely unfortunate) affair with Bolin has given her a taste for cuddling. Or perhaps not a taste, so much as gotten her used to it.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ What feels like ten minutes after he's dropped off to sleep, Hei jolts awake to tense alertness. Sunlight pours in watery yellow streams through the cracks in the lean-to. His hand goes straight for the blades, strapped under his shirt, before he blinks away the disorientation. Where the hell is he? And then he knows -- not in South America but the spirit world, looking for Raava, the light a perfect pitch and purity that signals it's close to six a.m. Time to get moving. ]

Dammit. Mor'ning.

[ It's muttered in disgust and broken grammar. Closing his eyes, Hei snuffles into the pile of hair he's found. Inhales and presses his nose into the soft mass until he bumps and rubs a skull. With a jolt of slow-seeping surprise, he realizes Korra has wrapped herself around him like a warm kudzu vine. Strands of her hair tangle in his lashes, redolent with travel and greenery and clinging microscopic particles drawn in from the air of Republic City -- or maybe the City -- as if Korra is carrying the seeds of home around with her. Beneath their two heads is a scratchy mound of fronds, impregnated with dust and dead leaves, and his next deep inhalation makes his nose draw up and lose a dry, dust-tickled sneeze into the hair surrounding his face. ]

[ Awareness fully regained, Hei scowls. Sits up, disengaging himself from Korra's tangle of limbs. He dismisses the clinginess as nothing more than a subconscious sign that Korra needs more comfort than she's letting on. As it is, the feel of her nestled against him feeds a resurgent flux of pleasant memories -- (how could he have gone without this for ten months?) -- and he has to discipline himself to avoid the temptation. ]

[ Lightly, he prods Korra's side. ]

Hey. Get up.

[anatural]

Mhrrrrh. [Still mostly unconscious, she thwacks him and grumbles protest — it could either be "No" or "Bo", it's hard to tell. But she sits up and rubs her eyes.]

What time is it?

[mortemscintilla]

Six in the morning.

[ The cold air has shrunk Hei's ardor and restored him to relative equanimity. He's satisfied when she sits up and rubs her eyes -- not fully functional but at least a quarter of the way there. After months of living with her, he is used to this; Korra can be characteristically slow to start so early in the day. Soon after he'd begun living in the Beach House, there had been a period during which he built up a head of frustration every morning; he'd prod Korra into reluctant motion, and vent his spleen at having to do so. Usually the girl had ignored his outbursts, and had never gotten any better at waking -- or even tried. But somewhere along the line Hei's impatience slunk off and never reappeared. Maybe it was because at this time of the day only, Korra was capable of being far crankier than him, a bullying moppet who lurched around, slurped down lychee shakes, gave him amazingly dirty looks, and left the bathroom a wet heated mess before banging out. As time had passed, Hei had been forced to yield his primacy with respect to the uncompromisingly prickly creature with whom he shared his mornings and to save any lecturing for later in the day, when Korra was malleable and chipper again. ]

[ The memories pass through him with a gust of unexpected -- not tenderness, but nostalgia. Reaching out, he smoothes the mussed hair back from Korra's face -- casual, almost incidental. Rises, then brushes the crumbs of dirt from his clothes. ]

I'll get more water and some sage.

[ They can soak that in the dragonfruit shells and gargle it since there's no toothpaste or toothbrushes. ]

[anatural]

[She groans — no, not groans, growls — at the hour. Six? Why is she awake at six? What is the point of being up so early? What evil psychotic excuse of a shell of a human being would make her get up this early?

She growls, but she moves, because she knows the answer: she needs to find Raava. Sleeping won't help; Aang won't be coming to her in her dreams, or any other of her past lives. That connection is gone. The loss hits her at odd moments, the pain so intense she can actually feel it in her muscles, and then just as quickly gone again. It hasn't had time yet to settle into her bones and become a dull, constant throb. Hopefully she'll find Raava before it has a chance to.]

'mgoingtopee.

[When she's more awake, she'll flinch that she said that. Some things you just don't talk about, particularly with the boyfriend you haven't seen in ten months and weren't actually sure he was your boyfriend anymore. For now, she stumbles off into the bushes, awake enough to want a little privacy.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei doesn't laugh -- or if he does, it's a subvocal exhale. Unaware of any dire inner-struggle Korra might be wrestling with -- for now -- he lets her lurch off. Gathering the carved-out dragonfruit shells, he heads to the stream. Gives himself five minutes to wash off, stripping quickly, lathering and sluicing off speedily, missing only the bounce of dog-tags against his chest to recall his mornings in basic. Then he uses Korra's leather pelts, the fruit shells, and his wire, to craft more durable wineskins, something to be fastened around their waists and carried for long distances. He returns to the camp with the jostling containers, heavy with cold water, and a fresh supply of berries. He estimates that Korra will join the ranks of homo sapiens in another five minutes, but it will be closer to twenty minutes before she deserves another sapiens tacked to her name. ]

[ No problem; as long as the girl is ambulatory and dressed, sentient communication can wait. Hei prefers silence; another reason why he'd stopped his harangues. He'd learned that if he just helped quietly, nudging Korra through the morning rituals, they could proceed faster and without fuss. ]

[ Settled crosslegged at the camp, alert and clear-eyed, he listens to the ambient rustles of the jungle. The air has the same heavy grass-sweet tang as South America, and for a moment he's back in the war again, inhaling diesel and decay and spices, a mud that has caught in his mind the way it had once stuck in his boots. ]

[ Forcibly, he shakes it off. This isn't the same thing -- except for that fact that he is, once more, swept up in a war to be with a girl who's too precious and too strange for him. ]

[anatural]

[The first thing Korra notices when she gets back to the camp is the wineskins.]

You changed the waterskin things. [It hurts, though she knows it's stupid and she tries to make the comment conversational, not petulant. They do look better than the ones she made, but that's why it stings. Hers had been crude, but she'd been proud of the ingenuity it'd taken to make them. Of course it would be something Hei could do better. What can't he do better? He travels all over a strange world on his own, he can survive in any conditions, he whups her ass repeatedly in fights... In a weird way, it reminds her of when she first met Asami, and how every minute was like this big lit sign flashing THIS IS WHY YOU SUCK. She could picture it on a banner being hung from Aang's statue near Air Temple Island.

She knows it's just early morning grumps getting under her skin, but somehow that doesn't make it any better.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei pauses as Korra slews her gaze on him, dark within rings of blue. Full of hurt. He can't imagine why -- until she comments on the wineskins. Despite all Hei's efforts at mastering the nuances of insecurity that Korra brims with, it takes him a moment to comprehend why this matters. Korra's glum face -- just a flash, then gone -- seems to express that his modification to her invention -- to him an automatic, pragmatic necessity -- is to her an echoing sense of inadequacy, inadvertent but profound, a resonance of actions bouncing off that hidden iceberg of self-hatred she doesn't talk about. ]

[ Part of him wants to be irritated. To dismiss her fit of peevishness for what it is. But the other part of him knows what it's like to be where she is. Once upon a time, he'd spent every morning waking up feeling like he was never good enough. These days, it's a miracle if he wakes up feeling anything at all. He's not sure if that's progress. ]

[ Smoothing a hand over his face, he pretends to rub his eyes, before he says, almost dryly, ]

You still have ownership rights to the originals. I just ... accessorized.

[anatural]

[And now he's condescending. She glowers at him and throws herself on the ground.]

They look better. [Just acknowledge it and don't try to make her "feel better." Asshole. She reaches for the leftovers from last night's dinner.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Well. That failed spectacularly. ]

[ Silently, Hei pops the berries into his mouth. There is suddenly so much more to say that he feels stifled for time and space. The past few weeks, the past few months, the past few years -- something massed on the horizon, a cyclone of words heralded only by a breeze. He hasn't been talking to anyone lately, and he needs to talk. Given the right elements, he can master the whirlwind that demands release from himself, orchestrate its sturm und drang so that it spends its force without hurting Korra more, and without blowing down his own house of cards. ]

[ Except ... it is blown and scattered already, isn't it? His house lies in pieces; he's never admitted how flimsy it has been. Yet just once he needs to vent, to say, I missed you. I had no right to. But I did. You said you loved me and I screwed it up, because that's what I do. I screw up everything I touch -- but you still keep me around. I don't know why, because you're smarter than I am, Korra, you're a hundred times better. And I never let you in on this secret, one of too many secrets, which is that I'm so good at surviving only because I haven't got the knack to be a whole person like you are. Avatar or no, you have your knack – so you think I must have mine. Clue in, Korra. I'm half-dead most days, and some days more than half. And even on the days when I feel like I'm whole it doesn't help me push through to where I need to be with you. All I do is lie and keep secrets. While you -- you teach me all your truth -- teach me over and over because I keep going out of my mind and forgetting the lesson. ]

[ Hei swallows his words. He will never have a chance to say them here and now, because this speech is just a dark whirling smudge on the horizon, a momentary impression that has died away. Instead, gaze averted, he asks, ]

Which direction should we go?

[anatural]

[Oh just give her a hug already. Idiot.]

I don't know. [She reaches a bone and flings it off into the trees.] North. [Why north? Why not north? Any direction is as good as another at this point.]

We need to find other spirits. Ones that will actually talk to us. Somebody has to know something about Raava and where she might be hiding.

[mortemscintilla]

[ He would. But something, drawn in through the pinched ache of his chest, makes him wonder if, after disappearing for ten months, he has any right. What if, because of the circumstances, they're just going through the motions? What if they really just think they're still ready for each other, but... too much time has gone by? He's trying to fit himself in with her again because he has nowhere else to kill time. And she's trying ... because she has no one else? ]

[ The idea, which he doesn't know how to take, is like a banked itch inside him. Yet it feels so foolish, because everytime he looks at her, hears her voice, it makes all that time sort of crumple up into a little ball like nothing. She cuts through all the clutter of months in a pure blue blaze. ]

[ At Korra's words, it's clear she's operating on instinct, not strategy. It's the opposite of everything that ties Hei to survival (back-up plans, maps, exit routes). But the dreamsphere of the spirit world has stopped making him uneasy. More...cautious. It's not the first time he's been in a place that defies every breed of logic. ]

[ Instead, ]

Are you going to tell me what Raava is?

[ It's gentle, not rebuking. But a reminder, all the same: I'll take any available risk for you. But I need to know what's going on. ]

[anatural]

[She blinks at him, and it takes her a moment to realize Oh. Of course he doesn’t know. He's been following her all this time with no idea what they're chasing.]

She's the Avatar spirit.

[She struggles to find the right words to explain, when she doesn't even understand wholly herself. Some she remembers from what Jinora told her, most she got in flashes while Unalaq was pulling the spirit out of her.]

She's the spirit of order & harmony. She bonded with the first Avatar — she's the reason only the Avatar can bend all the elements. She's how we connect to our past lives. That's why it's the Avatar's responsibility to keep balance in the world.

[mortemscintilla]

[ Her words brim him with a sick insufficient alarm. During their trip, his strands of understanding about Raava had woven in loose threads that began and broke and picked up other strands. But now the pattern that forms is one of loss and setback and dire emergency. It's beyond the level of magnitude as a Contractor losing their power, like Carmine. Listening to Korra's stream of illogic, he realizes, dimly, that her very Avatar-ness has been wrenched from her -- like someone who's endured a crippling lobotomy, or a horrific psychic and spiritual theft. ]

[ His head whirls. Unthought of, a few hours ago, the necessity of finding Raava -- no longer an abstract word -- now becomes real to him, absolutely solid. Not because he cares about the legacy of the Avatar. But because he understands, something that Korra -- perhaps dizzy and still numbed-out from the shock -- might not admit yet. That if a spirit of order and harmony has been ripped from her, it signifies something tremendously, dangerously skewed about this world. ]

[ On another man, his expression, unmoving and unmoved, might signal complete uninterest. But anyone who knows the arts of camouflage will be adept at finding the concern hidden in the leaves. ]

... But if you two are bonded ... why would Raava hide from you? Maybe there's a chance she's looking for you too.

[anatural]

Were bonded. Unalaq broke the bond. He tried to kill her. [She still can't wrap her mind around that — how her uncle, who had always seemed like a stuffy ridiculous stickler for the rules, would want to destroy the being which represents order and harmony in the universe. It's insane.]

She's probably hiding somewhere so she can heal. [Without thinking about it, or realizing it, she mutters —] Who knows if she wants to come back. Maybe she's given up on us entirely.

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei doesn't look up from the berries in his palm, but the rigid, expressionless manner in which he concentrates on the them is more conspicuous than a look would have been. It's not because he's being deliberately distant, or because he's completely gobsmacked by the news. The truth is -- he is processing all this information, in the same way Korra is, but differently too. It's only when her last sentence unfurls does he jerk his head up, his gaze sharp and unwavering. The air closest to his arms and shoulders seems to thrum, same way a hummingbird’s wings exist in a blur of motion. As if he wants to reach for her, but is temping the urge down. ]

She wouldn't give up on you. [ The idea is ludicrous. His tone has all the slow, warm drag of the way he'd sometimes murmur to her late at night, between rumpled sheets, face pressed into her shoulder, but none of the softness. ] If she's hiding, it's because she's avoiding your uncle. You have to focus on finding her before he does.

[anatural]

[...pulling that tone out on her now, rude. It bypasses rational thought and goes straight to her insides. Sense memory is a terrible thing.]

Yeah. [She nods and stands.] We should get going.

[mortemscintilla]

[ A nod in return, his gaze tracking her with a sentinel's focus as she moves. She reminds him of a child, impossibly small and wanting to be smaller. Shrinking with an acid wash of shame and self-doubt. At the same time, so keyed up, so brimful with emotion, she might pop like a bottle of champagne. Of course she can't let any of it out, because it would be too much, too painful. ]

[ Suddenly Hei can't sustain his calculated distance any longer. He rises, and there's a moment's faltering, which registers as no more than a rustle across the trees, before he curves a palm across her nape, his fingers curled around to bunch in the loose hair, resting there like an imperative. The familiar heat of her skin leaps through him in a spark, and suddenly he can't understand why he'd held back all this time. ]

[ Quietly, ]

We'll find Raava. I'm not leaving you until we do.

[anatural]

[Her breath catches in her throat. Not fair. Not. Fair. She just wants to be wrapped up in that warmth and never leave. Not for awhile, at least.]

But after that you will?

[mortemscintilla]

[ She still hasn't forgiven him for that, has she? Another time Hei would meet the suggestion with irritation, dismissal. Because that's not what this is about. Because she's completely missing his point. Instead he exhales, gathering her in close. He's gone from low-key warmth to a broken-open tenderness in a fast zero to sixty; it feels like flu but he knows it isn't. He swallows, a splinter of regret catching in his throat at the idea that even now, she imagines he'll take the easy way out and abandon her. If he were that selfish (or maybe the better word is selfless?) he'd have done it ages back. His right hand strokes the slope of her neck, her spine, and his forehead flirts its long hair millimeters from her warm skin before butting gently into place. ]

After that I'll watch you do what you do best. Pick yourself up out of nowhere. Make your own way. [ His left hand smoothes her hair back from her cheek, tucking it behind her ear as if to make sure there is nothing to muffle the words from her. ] I know nowhere like the back of my hand. And you're not there, Korra. You'll never be. Avatar or no Avatar, you'll be all right.

[anatural]

[Well it's his fault for wording it like the only thing keeping him around is Raava's absence. You disappear for ten months, suddenly reappear, and then talk like that — what else is she supposed to think?

She shivers and winds her arms around him. She wants to believe him so badly.]

I missed you.