under the stars

[anatural]

WHO: Korra & Hei
WHAT: Their first night in the Spirit World and their first chance for an actual reunion. (nsfw)

[They trek for hours without saying anything, over terrain that varies with neither rhyme nor reason. Sometimes in a desert, other times in a forest, other times across a plain that seems to stretch for miles until suddenly a mountain appears. Hei doesn't ask why they're going the direction they are, for which Korra is grateful because she doesn't know the answer. She doesn't know anything. They're walking not to get anywhere in particular, but to give Korra a chance to figure out what to do, because she can't think while standing still.

Where would Raava have gone? Is there some way she can communicate with the light spirit? Is there anyone in the Spirit World who doesn't completely despise her?

Evening starts to fall, offering no answers, only a reminder that her body is human and, like it or not, needs rest. Luckily(?) they're in a forest. Plenty of material to make camp with.]

We should stop here for the night. [She has to cough a little mid-sentence; her voice rough from disuse.]

Comments

[mortemscintilla]

[ She screams, and Hei's synapses misfire like an old car on a winter morning. He hears himself swallowing a sound like a sob as he's pulled in by that sweet, wet sex and her strong hands. Loving the way she forces him deeper into her, her pretty legs tangled around him, hips rocking up to meet him, all of her heat and need for him. It's a buzz he can feel all through his bones, as if she is music only he can hear. The way he rides her is relentless, wrecking her, growing reckless, but his kisses are almost sweet, as if he is talking desperately into her mouth, subvocalizations that might be words muffled by each unrelenting press of teeth and tongue. ]

[ Fuck. It's like being melted into tapioca, so helplessly lost inside her he can't even form thoughts. Had he ever in his life looked at Korra differently? In contempt and indifference? It's like he's broken free of the most foul fever; as if there's nothing in him now that could dismiss her again. For a moment he wishes her quintessence was something he could hold in his hands, a thick sweet body of flesh he could fuck into bliss. ]

[ But he's so stupid. It is right here. ]

[anatural]

[Her climax hits and it feels like she's dissolving — does she even have a body anymore? Everything is tingly and sparkles and she'll laugh at herself later but it does feel kind of magic.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei circles her in tight as she crests, trembles, melts, energy leaping with agile force inside her skin; she seems to come the way shamans have visions. He can't help but feel used, in a strangely virile and satisfying way. He tries to make it last, hips riding in a slow roll, watching her break apart beneath him. But from his brainstem to his spine there is a line running down to hook at the knot of exquisite tension in his groin, tightening further and further until the line snaps and a blossoming heat makes him explode into the latex, hips jerking erratically against her as he bites off several fucks in a ragged voice. ]

[ Slumping, he breathes deeply, and then his breaths judder into something like a soundless laugh, as if he's just finished a race and won. Kisses warm and sticky, dotted across her nose and chin and throat as he stretches lazily, damp forehead rolling against the plush tumble of her hair. ]

[anatural]

Hnnnnnnnn. [Korra closes her eyes and practically melts into the earth.] Ohhhh. [She's too sated to move or think; she just savors the way he feels on top of her and the pleasant afterglow of sex.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Beat by beat, Hei's peripheral starts to broaden beyond the space between him and Korra. The cave stones glittering overhead, the firelight making them move like beetles. The skewer of meat, cold now but still edible, lying off to the corner. The silence of the forest beyond, so profound he imagines he could hear an ant trundle across the earth. Eyes slipping shut, he swallows and nuzzles Korra's ear. Heaves a long considering sigh, before rolling off her. ]

[ He stays close, face to face, knees and shoulders kissing, his longish hair strewn across hers in a mercurial weave. Regarding Korra, mussed and soft-eyed, so near, he briefly feels eight years old, fourteen, twenty, getting something he's always wanted but can't put a name to. An odd sort of comfort, sexual, and beyond sex. ]

[ A minute or so later, the haze fades. Mild as milk, in a non-sequitur that isn't, he asks, ]

Were you lonely? After I'd gone, I mean.

[anatural]

[Way to (unintentionally? or so she thinks) ruin the pleasant haze, Hei. Korra was all set to curl up against him and doze off when he had to ask that question.

Yes. Very. Which was stupid, considering they hadn't been seeing that much of each other anyway, but the possibility at least had always been there. She had her friends, but they were all still trying to navigate that weird divide of time & space & experience. Nothing was easy. Nothing was comfortable.]

You're here now. [What does then matter?]

[mortemscintilla]

[ What does then matter? He tries to tell himself it doesn't. The fire is a warm glow, he's chucked the condom, and scooched closer to Korra, and their legs make a simple, heavy weave so his foggy mindcomes home to a place where his legs tangle across hers and there is nothing more in the world he wants except for this, their bodies in a beginner's knot. Why complicate it? ]

[ Let it go. The past doesn't matter. But then he realizes, with bitter clarity, that it does matter. Of course it matters. It matters in the spaces between people, and it matters in those sunless and empty spaces within every person. It matters. And it can hurt like hell, because there is nothing so audible as the unsaid, nothing so obvious as the unthought. ]

[ He puts his hand in Korra's hair, smoothes it softly. His tone matches the touch. ]

And I'm not leaving. But -- [ A beat, almost tentative. Information gathering has never been his weak suit, but this isn't an assignment, and he's unsure how bluntly or delicately to approach the crux of their conversation. ]

[ Finally, in a rare moment of honesty: ]

It's just ... you're different somehow.

[anatural]

It's been 10 months. [Of course she's different! Except he isn't. He is eerily, strangely the same. They feel the same together — not quite like no time has passed, but still without the awkward fumblings of getting to know someone again.

I didn’t know if you were coming back. She doesn't want to tell him that — he said he'd come back and she hadn't believed him.

It didn’t mean anything. Except it had meant a lot to Bolin. And it would be a lie to say it had meant nothing to her. She doesn't know how to have meaningless sex. Every time she has it, it changes her.

I love you. She remembers the way he recoiled the last time she said that. Yeah, no.

She wraps her arms around him and pulls herself closer.]

Do we have to talk about this now?

[mortemscintilla]

[ Meaningless sex. In the past, that was the perfect summation of Hei's 'romantic' liaisons. It's easy to grow jaded, in a world of commodification and pleasure transactions, of sexual caricatures and autonomic genital reflex. The emotional nuances of the act become irrelevant; it's treated as either a perfunctory instinct, like eating or taking a piss, or as a tool to achieve an overarching goal. ]

[ Except Korra isn't like that. She's not a romantic, exactly. But she is a sentimentalist. Whoever she'd hooked up with -- and he is absolutely certain, the more she dodges the topic, that she did –- she must've cared for him. He halfway wants to dismiss it, because fine, so she'd had another playmate, possibly one of her silly friends, and of course they'd done it, because who these days expects a teenage girl not to fuck? But he can't let it go. It's bizarre, because she'd made no promises to stay faithful to him, much less remain celibate during their ten month separation. Back in the City, he wasn't loyal to her, either. Semper fidelis is one title he'd never be awarded. ]

[ He's not sure why it changed so unexpectedly. Why have his feelings for a stupid girl switched from objective admiration to the quiet psychosis of possession, against which even the damned Buddha so vehemently counsels? (He knows exactly why.) ]

[ Exhaling, he tries to shake it off. She snuggles closer, and he continues with his small caresses. ]

We don't, I guess. [ Gently, he tips a kiss to her forehead. ] I only wondered if you'd been to bed with someone else.

[anatural]

[She goes stiff in his arms, her heart twisting painfully as his arrow hits true.]

Since when do you care? [There's an edge in her voice, like she's under attack. Which she is — from herself, from her regrets and personal failed expectations. Her grip on him loosens as she unconsciously prepares for everything to fall apart.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Bullseye. Her words have the fluid force of a whole-body wave of hostility. Hei tightens his encircling arm, as if to prevent her from slipping away. There's nothing, not even a tiny frisson of satisfaction, at knowing he was right. But there's none of the high voltage, the acid-wash jealousy, he'd have felt if Amber did this. Instead there is only a sad curiosity that turns him leaden. A heaviness, not a howl. It makes him realize he's come a long way from that vicious, volatile killer in the South American battlefields. His mind has sustained too much damage, and with that, reshaped its ways to love. ]

[ His touch stays gentle, and his gaze too. ]

I only care because you're being strange about it.

[ It is, at least partially, true. The knowledge of Korra's fling isn't the problem. The problem is how much it might've meant to her, and whether it might've dried out that unexpected but delightful wellspring of her affections for him. ]

[anatural]

[It changed nothing in how Korra feels for Hei, except maybe to solidify it. She may have picked up a stronger taste for cuddling, but it also showed her how you can love someone, want to have sex with them, and yet still not be "in love." Bolin isn't Hei. He scratched an itched, but he wasn't the one she wanted.

That might be a little hard to tell, considering how she's glaring at him.]

I've been strange? You're the one starting this interrogation out of nowhere!

[mortemscintilla]

This isn't out of nowhere.

[ Earnest, patient, but not irate, although he can feel something in his chest constrict as the tension between them builds in its familiar way. Propping himself on an elbow, he looks down at her, a flicker of lashes that hides his eyes and yet suggests interest, attention. Waiting for her to explain. It's strange, because in matters like these, his seventeen-year-old self would have jumped to icy conclusions. That Hei would've been hot-cold and quick with her, the way he used to be with Amber. But this isn't the time for his flaring rage; he's hurt Korra with it enough. ]

[ Finally, simply, ]

You're telling me you haven't been with anyone else?

[anatural]

[She hates it when he looks down on her. (Not always, maybe, but most definitely right now.) She sits up and scoots back, reaching around for something to cover herself with.]

It seems pretty out of nowhere to me. How exactly have I been acting strange?

[She's not answering the question, because it's none of his business. She hasn't interrogated him about the women he's slept with!]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei stays where he is, watching her only with his eyes. With the night pressed against the radiant firelight, the darkness etches her face and sets it in rigid lines. Korra doesn't have the sort of features that become more attractive with anger, the high cheekbones or bee-stung lips that, when flushed, evoke a certain male stirring. She is much prettier when calm and cheerful. But when she rages ... it's her energy that gets Hei. That brilliant fucking energy. ]

[ He pauses, eyelids lowering on a soft, distracted gleam as he regards her, before he comes back to the argument at hand. ]

It's a simple answer, Korra. Yes or no? [ His tone descends on a sigh. ] I promise I'm not angry or anything.

[anatural]

Oh good, because it'd be pretty hypocritical for you to spend ten months sleeping with whoever you want and then be mad at me. [Does she sound mollified? Because she's not. At all. That sigh only makes her angrier. He's acting like she's being irrational, when he's the one saying that she's acting strange but not explaining how; he's the one who decided right after sex is the perfect time to interrogate her about her sexual history. He's the one who said they should sleep with whoever. She's tired, naked, struggling with the weight of the world and the thousands year old legacy that she lost, and she doesn't want to deal with this.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Ten months sleeping with whoever you want. Hei feels a chill bloom at his nape and uncurl down his spine. Fucking hell, he thinks, trying not to show his dismay. She still believes his excursion –- needful reconnaissance to him –- was an excuse to go tomcatting around. It should be hurtful. The idea that he is still, to her, the shell of treachery, the illusion of good. But that's not fair, is it? It was his cruelty, his indifference, his disloyalty, that had planted those seeds of doubt to begin with, until they tendriled into a wild-blooming tangle. Now he can only cull them, humbly, patiently, because he's not equipped to repay her any other way. ]

I didn't. Sleep with anyone. [ He says it slowly and carefully, watching her eyes, trying to drill inward to where she lives and make sure she gets it. A beat, then he finds himself using the words Amber used to; the ironic fealty of a professional liar, a contract killer. ] You have my word. I know it's not worth much. But it's the truth.

[anatural]

[He's a great liar — he could very easily be lying to her. Even so, she believes him... and the words bring her no comfort. He managed to keep it in his pants for 10 months and she couldn't. What did it say about her?]

You could have.

[mortemscintilla]

It never occurred to -- [ He exhales, glances away briefly as if to say, Fine. Point taken. It's true, he could have. In the City, he would have. It's not something he'd bother vocalizing being sorry for, even if he did. He's always walked a fine line between affection and aloofness with Korra. Keeping his options open is an ingrained instinct for him. But circumstances are different here. He wants to say, When I chose to come here, it was because I chose you, above anything else. Because it's not about me anymore. It's about us. Because I want you. I think with time I could trust you. ]

[ But words ... words lie parallel to manipulation and subterfuge, and Hei is drained and heavy-limbed enough that he understands that clarity of purpose is not the same as clarity of speech. He doesn't want words. He just wants this. ]

[ Reaching out, he folds his fingers through hers. Strokes her knuckles with his thumb, the soft touch a counterpoint to his flat voice. ]

I'm asking because a fling means different things to both of us.

[ Quietly brutal, maybe. But it's the truth. She cares about the people she sleeps with. Hei seldom has. (Eerie to imagine, that if things went differently, Korra would have been one of his zipless one-time fucks.) ]

[anatural]

[Her gut churns, queasy with anxiety and regret, but his hand gently brushes away her anger, and while she chases after it, she can't catch up.]

It was just a mistake. A big, stupid, awful mistake. But it doesn't change anything between us. [She hopes not, anyway. Maybe it changes everything for him. He'd been prone to stupid jealousies when Mako was living with them at the Beach House... It's not inconceivable, and it terrifies her. She knows, intellectually, that he has no right to judge her and that she hasn't broken any promises to him. But it's hard to defend a choice that she already regrets while tired and naked in a strange place. She knows that she could do this without him, but she doesn't want to do it alone.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ In the moment before she speaks, the silence hangs heavy in the air, but Hei feels like he's plunging in free-fall. It's no exaggeration. Perhaps Korra doesn't realize yet, the enormous risk he's taken in following her to her world. A place with no contacts, no hidden arsenals, no frames of reference, no safehouses or exit strategies to protect himself. It's as good as leaving himself exposed to the elements. Amidst the isolation, Korra is a bright lodestar. The idea of her turning away makes a cynical loneliness rush up to meet him, sharp-mawed and black-fanged than anything he's faced yet. All the softness in his nature will be dashed to bloody pieces if she doesn't stop his hurtling momentum. ]

[ Then she says, It doesn't change anything between us. A simple reassurance. Yet his face opens up, interrogative, resistant, dubious, then ... ]

I see.

[ The one word is mild, deceptively indifferent, but hides a giddy relief. His free hand ghosts her hair, then crosses her face, fingers curling outward like the legs of a pale spider as he brushes the back of his hand tenderly down her cheek. A breath, then: ]

That's all I needed to know.

[ Not a lie. But not quite true, either. He'd prefer details on who she hooked up with. But it can wait. She's tired, rattled, vulnerable, and he realizes with a dull lurch that he's sick of wringing dry any afterglow she soaks up after the fucking is over. (In her position, he'd have sworn off sex entirely.) ]

[anatural]

[The idea of Hei being scared of anything never occurs to Korra. He's like a cat; he always lands on his feet. She wouldn't even think to imagine what risks he's taking. The only fear she can see is her own.

She relaxes a little when he says That’s all I needed to know. The rest of the details aren't any of his business — they're between her and Bolin only, and if he pushes, he'll push back. But for now... For now, she lets herself lie back down, tugging him with her until she can curl up close against him.]

I love you.

[She says it, even though she's pretty sure he'll flinch away just like before. She has to say it, because it's still true.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei allows her to tug him close, an arm curled around her. Lying with their legs loosely braided, faces close enough to conspire, he cups Korra's head, strokes her hair. Tilts his neck so that their foreheads touch in a warm tingling circle. She smells ripe and saline, a pretty blue creature looking at him, lucidly but as a gently-glowing alien. ]

[ With a half-smile, he starts to speak. But hearing her words, his shoulders tighten, collarbones sharpening at the movement. Impossible not to notice the defensiveness; a disdain for sentiment is hard to fight when you spend so much time operating on it. But this time there is no clattering alarm before he settles into a blank-eyed calm. Instead her words seem to slide into the wall that is his life with a quality that is exactly as it should be, the stone fitting the chinked heart of the wall as a sense of completion. ]

[ He exhales, unshackled from his doubts of earlier. Leans over and kisses Korra's mouth, draws back and smooths the fine hairs along one brow. Strange doing this, but so natural. ]

I know.

[ It's soft as the kiss, his gaze half-lidded, absorbed. He still can't echo the words back to her, not without a cruel sense of hollowness, farce. Still doesn't feel ready to really love, to be loved. He needs time to prepare, to set up defenses and rationalizations so that it won't sweep him away. But at the same time it's good, so good, to be here with her, her bare skin radiant against his like the warmth of the sun, melting everything that is hard and cold and brittle inside him. ]

[ Then the fire crackles, shadows guttering across the walls, and life clicks back into gear. He nestles her close, nose in her hair, and murmurs, ]

Get some sleep. Lots to do tomorrow.

[anatural]

Hnn. [Well, it's better than last time she said it at least. No recoil, and he's not leaving again. It's really the best outcome that could be expected. (A small part of her still wished he'd say the words back, and a smaller part wondered if her mistake with Bolin is the reason he doesn't. Irrational, yes, but since when does a fear have to be rational?)

She forces the turmoil aside and makes herself draw comfort from his touch. It's tempting to try & get another round out of him, recapture the glow that his sudden interrogation had destroyed, but he's right. If they're only going to have a week to find Raava, they need to focus all of their energies on that.

She nuzzles closer to him and closes her eyes, hoping that sleep comes soon.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ He wishes he could tell her that his reticence has nothing to do with her ill-fated fling. As far as he's concerned, that's irrelevant. But he can focus on nothing but the warm clasp of their bridged bodies. Smoothing Korra's hair as she drowses, he enjoys its soft tickle, the electrifying way it rubs across his palm. All of her seems to have gotten inside him the same way; her fierce little spirit dances behind the bars of his ribs, sparking him, possessing him. In reply, it's as if his entire body is a secret he can only tell her here, in those slipping moments between wakefulness and sleep, where there is nothing close to sane or rational. No need for careful tactics, no need to pull punches. He can hone her edge and she can bleed against his. ]

[ But not to death. He hopes, in time, she'll learn how not to bleed to death because of him. ]