things left unsaid

[electric_lady]

WHO: Asami & Hei
WHAT: Hei's return throws Asami's world into chaos.

[Days pass, and Mako's words still echo in her thoughts: Li’s alive. With every echo, Asami wishes that hearts were as simple as machines.

She's happy for Korra. Korra and Li — Hei, though Asami's the only one of their group to know that — have been together for almost as long as Asami's known them. And she likes Hei. She'd been suspicious of him once, when that dorky facade of his started slipping, but his devotion to Korra had been unquestionable. Asami appreciated that about him, even envied it a little. She's never inspired that kind of loyalty in anyone, not even her own father. So she's happy for her friend. Truly.

She's also heartbroken, a fact which is as surprising as Hei being alive. His return means the end of the sweet, secret relationship between her and Korra. Not a romantic one — they're friends who share intimacies. But Asami hadn't realized just how much she's come to depend on those intimacies until now.

She wishes Korra would call. They need to talk about what's going to happen between them, what's going on with Hei, whether she's going to tell him. She refuses to let this relationship end like the one with Mako; she needs clarity. At the same time, she understands why it would slip Korra's mind. Of course she's preoccupied with Hei's return. That kind of shock would knock the ground out from under anyone's feet.

When she ends up on Korra's front porch, it's not because she intended to be there. Asami had overseen the loading of some new products at the dock, and instead of going home, her footsteps took her to Korra's place. Korra and Hei's place.

Taking a deep breath, she knocks.]

Comments

[mortemscintilla]

[ Gently, Hei bats her hand off, shaking his head, dismissal, negation. Reaches, after a moment, to tug her from her seat and into his lap, in the old remembered way. He can't explain to her, all the sticky bits in his head, where his sense of disorientation and regret rubs too hard against his instinct for joy. He still feels like he's intruding on the life Korra has restructured without him. He thinks she ought to escape back into the flow of time, but he doesn't want to send her there, and he doesn't really want her to decide to go either. But he's afraid one day she'll wake up and be angry at him for drinking up her time, limiting her choices. ]

[ He doesn't tell her that. Just reaches out, plucking a slice of starfruit from the salad bowl, and hands it to her. ]

[ Quietly, ]

How did it start? You and Asami?

[ If it's an interrogation, he offers no hint of it. His gaze is clear, curious. ]

[anatural]

[The starfruit gives her a good excuse to not talk. She doesn't want to talk about it. It feels like something she shouldn't share, because it's Asami's story too. At the same time, she shared so much of her relationship with Hei with Asami, it's not fair to hide from him.]

It just kind of happened. It wasn't anything romantic. We both just needed a way to let off some stress.

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei ignores the pornified facets of ideas unfolding through his mind. They're the kind suitable to a testosterone-soaked teenager, and he's graduated a decade past that stage. He'd like to believe what Korra and Asami shared was just a fling. Necessary gratification. Certainly, he's done the same in the past. Sex is less personal than a handshake to him; businesswise it has the same double-edged value. ]

[ Except his relationship with Korra had begun that way too. Until, out of nowhere, the heavy shackles of emotion had wrapped themselves around him. It was terrible. BK201's star had risen straight through the smoky skies of Heaven's War, into renown, then infamy -- only to crash back down at the mercy of love. A love that is vicious and childish and clinging, yet fills him with such a bright, aching homeness that he can't imagine why he was once so afraid of it. ]

[ After a moment's hesitation, he takes her hand in his. (Each time, he always expects it to feel the way it used to be -- an impetuous little starfish, compact and smooth. And each time, he finds it delicately toughened, the hand of a competent adult, not a soft girl.) ]

[ Threading their fingers together, he murmurs, ]

'Just kind of happened.' That describes us pretty well too, don't you think?

[ Just a reminder that if he hadn't returned... Well. Things between Korra and Asami may have gone differently. ]

[anatural]

[Korra squeezes his hand tightly.] What are you trying to say? [She doesn't understand why he's pushing this, what he wants. What does he want to hear from her? That she doesn't actually want to be with him? That this whole thing is a mistake?]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Is that what he wants to hear from her? He isn't sure. He isn't even sure if it's some fucked-up nobility prompting this discussion, or plain cowardice, because he's not sure he's meant to be around this older Korra, her eyes shining with clarity and calm, but her choices still so tragically misguided. She shouldn't want to be with him. Not now, when she's gotten her whole life together, when she can have her pick of partners without that fucking storm-tossed, shipwrecked baggage Hei trails everywhere behind him. Worse, it feels wrong to be frolicking around with Korra, wasting her time, wasting his -- when he should be spending every minute searching for Yin. One more person he'd gathered within his protective sphere, then lost because of cruel circumstance and his own carelessness. ]

[ He doesn't meet Korra's eyes. Instead he studies their clasped hands, gently tipping hers back as if to read her palm, divine a message in the creases. He tries, but can't quite attain the dry tone he's aiming for. ]

I'm in love with a woman who needs an actual partner. Not an imitation of one.

[anatural]

[It's amazing, and terrifying, and heartbreaking to see his insecurities so openly on display. To see them not as irrational jealousies or fickle moods or mystery triggers, but as the scars and old wounds of his childhood. She understands them in a way she never could have at eighteen. Not that understanding them does her much good. She understands, but she doesn't know how to reach across the divide or start to heal the wounds.]

What I need is for you to let me worry about what I need. [The same words she's been saying for years, but this time they're not angry. They're sad and affectionate, like a plea. Don’t turn me into something to beat yourself up with.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei wants to argue. But he has no energy for it. His body is a slump against the chair, the dying sunlight smearing against the wall in washes of pink and gold, a sense of nausea and tiredness and soul weariness. She tells him not to worry about what she needs. But he can't help it. Inside, he is tangled up in a place where grimness knots with vulnerability and faint disgust. It needles him, that she should, even now, offer her affections up so unstintingly. What is the rent, the tear, the unstitched flaw in her. that makes men like him attractive to her at all? ]

[ He needs to look inside her. Not out. Maybe he's only the outward manifestation of some interior wound she's failed to attend to properly. ]

[ He wants to tell her that. But with her so close, he can't entirely focus. So instead he tips up her chin to kiss her, deep and fierce, on the mouth, his mind whirling but his body entirely still, as though all his usual simmering energy has zeroed in on one locus. ]

[anatural]

[If only she could punch some sense into him. She wishes she could just rattle his brain until this desperate need to find her flaw falls out and she can stomp on it until it's dead. Things could be so simple, if he'd just let them.]

I love you. [She breathes the words out between kisses. Her body tingles, gearing up to repeat that truth over and over again to him in their unspoken language. And then her stomach grumbles complaint, forcing her to break away.] Dinner. [Need food first.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei wishes it could be simple. Because that's what Korra is, even now. Gloriously unsuspicious, gloriously easy, gloriously simple. As far from spycraft as chalk from cheese. He wants those melting words of hers to sink into her through her lips pressed against his, through her hands on his body, and the surge of emotion he can feel that makes her burn so radiantly. Yet something liquid and formless seems to be frozen inside him, making a hard dense glaze between them, even as he takes her sipping kisses, his hands and mouth caught up in a heady trance against her body. ]

[ Then her stomach grumbles, and he allows her to detach with a single, wavery-edged breath. ]

[ He murmurs, ] You can eat, [ with an air of indulgence and maybe a small spark of humor. Lets her tuck into her plate, still keeping her gathered across his lap, his lips a cool flutter across the nape of her neck, his hands still stroking and sliding, along her waistband, beneath her blouse, petting and smoothing her flanks and thighs with soft sweeps of palms. ]

[anatural]

[Korra giggles and squirms in his lap.] You're not helping. [She can feel him growing hard against her thigh, a warm pulsing distraction. But where once she would have really enjoyed the sexual teasing, right now it feels like a little much. So she pinches his arm.] Give me ten minutes to eat & clean up, and then we'll have the whole night to ourselves.

[WIth a quick kiss, she adds] Give me fifteen and I'll throw in a special surprise.

[mortemscintilla]

[ Bereft, Hei wants to protest that he doesn't need a special surprise. He just needs this -- the sweet hot press of her that makes goosebumps break across his skin and his nerves thrum in delight. He's unused to the elaborate deliberateness of ritual in their sex life. Between them, it's always been messy and fast and spontaneous, his senses swimming in the salty blue sea of Korra's hormonal storm. ]

[ But he can't bear to say no to her. He sinks into her kiss with a grizzled little hum. When she breaks away, he chases after her, his mouth hot and questing, his clothes over-warm and wrinkled and his hair awry, the shell of a tired man except that his eyes are glowing, as if the electric-fire that keeps his body upright is starting to burn wild. ]

[ After a moment, he breaks reluctantly away. Loosens his grip so she can wriggle free, an unspoken, Whatever you like. ]

[anatural]

[She slides back into her seat and polishes off her plate in less than two minutes. She leaves her plate in the sink and packs up the leftover food (so strange, having leftover food with Hei around). The table cleaned, she pulls him in for a kiss and his reward.]

So. Ready for your surprise?

[mortemscintilla]

[ Perched at the edge of his seat, aroused, foggy-brained, Hei watches Korra put everything away with a practiced, domestic air he doesn't recognize. She actually has tupperware boxes now, for crying out loud. Under different circumstances, he would have commented on this, tweaked her. He takes the opportunity instead to study her, the slim frame of her body under her clothes, appealing and athletic in a spill of delicious curves and unpretentious muscle. ]

[ When she tugs him from his seat, he's already reaching for her, warm solid handfuls, his thumbs rubbing circles into the indent above her hips as he dips his head to deepen the kiss, a wet press of lips punctuated by a playfully hungry curl of teeth and tongue. ]

[ The half-smile he tips her is crooked, more a hazy gleam of the eyes than a curve of the mouth. ]

As long as it's nothing flammable or radioactive.

[anatural]

Mmmm. [The kiss makes it very tempting to just go straight to the bedroom, but at the same time, Korra wants something different from the frantic, flashbang passion that tends to characterize their coupling when Hei's feeling insecure. He fucks her like he's afraid he'll disappear again straight out of their bed.]

Nothing radioactive [She even knows what that means now, thanks to Asami and Varrick], but it will involve a little fire.

[She doesn't say anything more than that, but tugs him out towards the front door. A few meters away from the house is a small, natural pool that, with a little firebending, she found made an amazing hot tub. She fixed it up a little, added a few seats and covering foliage, and made it into the perfect little enclave for relaxing. She'd never gotten around to showing it to Asami, a fact for which right now she feels a litle glad.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei remembers this spot -- the leafy dark of the shrouded path narrowing and turning to a precarious tangle of tree roots underfoot as it gets steeper. The distinct gurgle of the water, which gives way to the sight of crystalline bowl of water -- big enough for two, he thinks, dimly -- ringed by mossy round boulders. He'd chanced upon it years ago and thought it scenic enough, but hadn't considered showing it to Korra. It was during the days of her illness, when she would stay shuttered indoors, dormant and dead-eyed, hiding behind hanks of mussed hair and her own ennui. ]

[ Blinking, he takes in the modifications Korra has made. The sand-dusted chairs, the green curtains of hanging foliage, the water itself clear with an undernote of heavy blue, like the darkened reflection of the sky on its surface. Like the color of Korra's eyes. It is unexpected, strikingly picturesque. ]

[ Squeezing her hand, he offers her a wry, sidelong look. ]

After the refrigerator, this might just be my new favorite place.

[anatural]

I thought you'd like it. [Leaning down, she lets out a breath that turns the water from cool to steaming hot. She checks the temperature with her fingers, then starts stripping off her clothes. Quick, efficient, but sensuous as well — giving him plenty to look at without putting on a show.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ She doesn't need to put on a show. The way she sheds her clothes is a bewitching voodoo, all by itself. He can feel his nerves jangling with that familiar fierce arousal, already growing suffocating with a blossoming inner heat. That jittery primitive energy stirring in him. ]

[ Dropping both hands, Hei's view is blocked only when he grabs the hem of his teeshirt and pulls it off, before stepping out of his pants, then resumes with her in it, a swift but studied scoop to gather her close, before he lets them slip lithe and naked to the edge and dive smoothly into the pool. The water is cold, then hot, then perfect: he gasps only at the first shock of it. Sinks in up to his chin, and lets the heat saturate his muscles, a melting languor, even as he's electrically aware of Korra's skin rubbing slick and hot against his. ]

[anatural]

[Korra leans back against his chest, content for the time being to stay like this, aroused but relaxed, just savoring each other's closeness. If they keep fucking like they're on borrowed time, then they're never going to stop feeling like the end is just around the corner. She wraps his arms around her waist and holds them in place.]

I only found this place a few months ago. Putting it together became a personal project for me. A way to relax after a long day. [After a short moment, she adds] You're the first person to see it.

[mortemscintilla]

I'm flattered.

[ Hei keeps her cradled close, making a heavy circle with his arms, hands linked at her belly like the clasp of a necklace. Their bodies are dappled by the evening sun that filters through the stirring leaves. He can hear the caws and flutterings of birds in the trees. Eyes drooping half-shut, he forces away his kneejerk urge to stay alert. In the heated water, with Korra all warm and deliciously drowsing against his chest, he almost feels content, his thoughts no longer the antic loop of a racetrack, but like glossy stones skipping across a stream. ]

[ Out in space, his mind had always felt cramped, ideas drifting in ghostly after-images of perfect darkness. But here, he understands that all the light in his mind -- and there is a lot -- is because of Korra. God, she's done so much -- not just saved this world over and over, sacrificed and suffered -- but in the midst of all that she'd infused his vacant life with the bright currents of purpose: a muse, a fuel. He's scared of losing that -- or being unequal to it after three years away. But he's felt worse fears before, and should it matter if this one gets big and threatens to sink him down? He's never let it drown him. And yet... ]

[ Quietly, ]

Doesn't it... disturb you? Me coming back like this? It seems to disturb your friends.

[anatural]

Of course it doesn't. [That's not a complete answer to his question. She takes her time considering the rest of her response.]

It's strange. It changes everything, and that's a lot to adjust to. But mostly I'm happy. [She looks up at him.] Just because my life didn't stop doesn't mean you no longer have a place in it.

[mortemscintilla]

[ At her words, there's a faltering in his expression, but it's brief (and, perhaps, only noticeable because of the way they hold each other so close. Especially these days). It's a strange, fleeting thing -- hope, doubt. Her assurances are always so sweetly matter-of-fact. She could say them, and variations on them, over and over, and part of him will leap at the words, because he is so very far from being tired of them or her, because he wants so badly to believe things will be okay. ]

[ But they don't mend this horrid little hole that mars his confidence like a cigarette burn. He's too schooled in bitterness and disappointment to expect anything better. ]

[ After a beat, he lets off a rueful exhale, the sound dampened only by the way he noses into the crook of her neck, a wave of her dark hair tickling over his cheek. ]

It's been years since I've had a place anywhere. [ Just an expendable tool for the Syndicate. Just a passing ghost in the City's waiting-room. ] That's the problem. When I start to belong, feel happy, I get ... scared. [ The huff he lets off is too acrimonious to be a laugh. ] It's easier to be alone. Out of place. I've made a career of that.

[ The words emerge on a sour bolus he has to swallow down. At least he is talking. His way is usually sealed lips and bottled-up emotions. To go with the fists-and-fury option. Or, failing that, the brush-my-teeth-with-a-bottle-of-Jack option. ]

[anatural]

[When their affair first started, korra wouldn't have understood his feelings. Now she understands them all too well.]

There's no point in worrying about things that are outside of your control. [But no judgement that he does. She still does too. Everyone does. It's hard to give up the illusion of control.]

Besides, we've survived the City, several world-ending disasters, multiple forced separations... I mean, you basically came back from the dead. I think the odds are in our favor.

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei can't help the small, exhausted smile that hangs on the corners of his mouth. Her voice has that sweet, invincible certainty that demands the ear bend and listen, however unwillingly. He wishes he could share her confidence. Wishes he could soften, and laugh, and take her in his arms, tell her there's never been anyone like her, and know it's going to be all right. ]

[ But he also knows that airy, unanimous contentment won't last. Anxiety plucks constantly at his nerves; part of the reason he won't eat is because he's almost trying to starve it out. Maybe this is what love has done to him: turned him into this needy, hungry, insecure thing, a mess of desires and neurosis. ]

[ I was always that mess, he thinks with wry disgust. Hard to admit that love has only brought those oh-so-attractive qualities closer to the forefront. But self-awareness is trying to surface, pounding at the underside of consciousness like a drowning child trapped beneath a sheet of ice. It's impossible to ignore it. ]

[ Lightly, he kisses the spot just below Korra's ear, where her short-cut hair doesn't quite cover the sensitive skin of her nape. ]

The odds are never that kind. [ There is humor, tucked away in the sound of his exhale. ] But it's refreshing that you believe that.

[anatural]

[Korra rolls her eyes.] Condescending as ever. [It's a little annoying, but also amusing, and perhaps in a strange way reassuring. Some things never change.

She wriggles out of his arms so she can straddle his lap, face to face, her breasts pressing against his chest as she leans in to kiss him.]

We'll just have to wait and see which of us is right. [Now stop obsessing over stupid things and touch her.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ No, some things never change. Playing the role of the shiny-eyed believer doesn't come easy to Hei. Especially when he'd spent the last decade honing his cynicism. But that's why they made method acting, right? The trick is to fake it until you feel it. Anyway, he reminds himself viciously. If he is to stop being a fucking idiot, now is the time. He's back where he's supposed to be, plopped amidst the absurdly rich life he'd somehow appropriated for himself when he knew he didn't deserve it. Loved by this wonderful, powerful woman, fighting at her side, hearing all her confidences, and enjoying her charms, while himself remaining free of the Syndicate, his talents untrammeled, his path unfettered. ]

[ It doesn't seem real. That's the problem. Loss and misfortune are the natural sequence of his life. What does he know about recognizing happiness offered to him? He who, all through his existence, has taught himself to coast only on the narrow edge of expedience? ]

[ You're choosing to suffer just for the sake of suffering. Isn't that what Pai had said? ]

[ He doesn't want to think of Pai right now. Korra flows against him, and the sweet friction-y slide of her skin, the satisfying drape of her, takes his breath away. He can never get over how easy physical intimacy is in the water. Everything is more buoyant; if they move towards each other they are together so suddenly that there is nothing to do about it but accept. ]

[ So he does, trapping her in the wishbone of his arms, his mouth nudging against hers with a soft insistent pressure. The kiss is melting-hot, as if he's swallowed a mouthful of mocha; its heat pools pleasantly in his stomach while a different kind of warmth settles deep within his bones. ]