things left unsaid

[electric_lady]

WHO: Asami & Hei
WHAT: Hei's return throws Asami's world into chaos.

[Days pass, and Mako's words still echo in her thoughts: Li’s alive. With every echo, Asami wishes that hearts were as simple as machines.

She's happy for Korra. Korra and Li — Hei, though Asami's the only one of their group to know that — have been together for almost as long as Asami's known them. And she likes Hei. She'd been suspicious of him once, when that dorky facade of his started slipping, but his devotion to Korra had been unquestionable. Asami appreciated that about him, even envied it a little. She's never inspired that kind of loyalty in anyone, not even her own father. So she's happy for her friend. Truly.

She's also heartbroken, a fact which is as surprising as Hei being alive. His return means the end of the sweet, secret relationship between her and Korra. Not a romantic one — they're friends who share intimacies. But Asami hadn't realized just how much she's come to depend on those intimacies until now.

She wishes Korra would call. They need to talk about what's going to happen between them, what's going on with Hei, whether she's going to tell him. She refuses to let this relationship end like the one with Mako; she needs clarity. At the same time, she understands why it would slip Korra's mind. Of course she's preoccupied with Hei's return. That kind of shock would knock the ground out from under anyone's feet.

When she ends up on Korra's front porch, it's not because she intended to be there. Asami had overseen the loading of some new products at the dock, and instead of going home, her footsteps took her to Korra's place. Korra and Hei's place.

Taking a deep breath, she knocks.]

Comments

[anatural]

Yeah, thanks. [She slips her shoes off and leans over to kiss him -- a habit she's developed only recently, because it feels so surreal that he's back that she needs to keep reminding herself that he's here.

He's here. And Asami was here. Which means he probably knows. Korra hesitates, not sure how to broach the subject.]

Is there anything you want to ask me?

[mortemscintilla]

[ She leans in to kiss him, and Hei makes a clasp of his arms to keep her close. Part of him is unsure if it's surface affection, just a ploy to ensure she doesn't skitter away -- or if it's the quietly desperate need for a simple press of her warmth against his. He can't sense any real anxiety kicking up her pulse: her eyes, glinting up at his, are clear and bright, shaded only by a sense of caution. She's probably picked up the undercurrents vibrating in the wake of Asami's departure. She's pieced two and two together. Now she's trying to determine how he feels about it. ]

[ Hei wishes he could give her a simple answer. Any other man would be stewing with anger and resentment. But he doesn't feel entitled to any of those emotions. He was gone for three years. He has no right to interrogate or threaten or throw tantrums -- even as a bone-deep, feral part of him can envisage leaping after everyone she's been involved with, beating them to a pulp, snarling Mine, mine, mine. ]

[ He tells that part, viciously, to shut up. ]

[ The look he gives Korra is soft, but somehow assessing. As if taking both their emotional temperature. Then, with a little indrawn breath, he gathers her closer, letting his forehead rest gently against hers for a moment. Watches their hair tangle at the tips, warmth seeping and growing everywhere they touch, melting his concerns down to nothing but a cold hard little kernel. But it's bothersome, all the same. Like that stupid story of the princess and the pea. ]

[ Softly, ]

I want to know if you're okay with this. Having me back. Because you don't have to do this out of some obligation.

[ Worries he's voiced before, but which need to be alleviated. The sheen of his return may wear off in time. Korra may start feeling as if he's in the way, unnecessary, her feelings for him cooling from embers to effigies as days pass and clarity encroaches. ]

[anatural]

[She wraps her arms around him and holds tight. He's asked that question before, and each time it hurts more. She hates that he doubts, hates feeling like she'll never really be able to prove it to him.]

I am so happy that you're back. I thought I'd never see you again.

[She nuzzles his shoulder.] I missed you every day.

[mortemscintilla]

[ At her words, the small burst of happiness that comes over him is simple, almost childish. When they're like this, when she speaks with such aching sincerity, he no longer feels so entrapped under the layers of icy bitterness that he can't reach her. She is Korra and she loves him, and it should knock him dizzy in gratitude, to hell splitting hairs about whether or not that's a good idea. But each time, despite his contentment, he can't suppress the doubt tightening in him, even a stir of fear. It makes him cringe, because the undertones are so pathetic. A dumb little boy who needs to hold someone's hand to feel safe, because everyone he knows has been swept away. ]

[ Maybe that's all it's about. Not insecurity but weary, lonely need. Because he's tired of losing everyone he cares about -- friends, lovers and allies stripped away in terrible and undefined ways. The repetitions of loss haven't made him wiser. They've just made him ... less. Whittling away at the softer parts of him and paring him closer and closer down to bone. ]

[ He squeezes Korra, hiding from her even as he cradles her closer. His voice feels scratchy and raw, but it is steady. ]

...Asami's in love with you.

[ Not a non-sequitur. Not really. Just an oblique reminder. You have better options than some murderous, half-empty remnant of a bad past. ]

[anatural]

[The words are a shock, and she pulls back just far enough to get a good look at his face.]

Did she tell you that?

[mortemscintilla]

She didn't have to.

[ Sometimes Hei is deeply appreciative of the extra handspan of height he has over Korra. It challenges her to meet his gaze. He keeps it dipped now, uncertainty reshaping his face, and when he speaks, he seems to slip into the space between his words with a steady precision, the way his balance tips precariously yet gracefully when he walks a tightrope, the soft deftness with which he cracks open a safe or cracks apart a target's phalanges. ]

The question is: do you feel the same?

[anatural]

[Sometimes she really wants to smack him.]

If I did, I wouldn't be here.

[In another life, maybe. If Hei had never come back, maybe. But not here, not now, not while he's here. The idea isn't offensive because loving Asami is inconceivable, but because she doesn't want unfounded jealousy getting in the way of their friendship.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ (Sorry, Korra. In many ways, he's still just an obtuse dude.) ]

[ Her words don't erase his anxieties. But they do swamp him with an absurd nostalgia, almost like loneliness. Each time, he's reminded of how much he missed even this, the intimacy of her exasperation, the acoustics of the livingroom with its pale blond wood paneling, and the house itself, small and warm and human. Nothing like the outsize plastiglas and steel and chrome environs of the Enterprise, or the dimly-lit bunk he'd occupied with a stunning view of the stars, but with a perpetual current of coldness in the air that always leeched the warmth from him. When he'd been here, he was always the odd one out, the loose end and wild card. But with the disasters of the Water Tribe war, and the Red Lotus, and Kuvira's army, he'd been part of something in a way he never was in the Enterprise. Sure, they let him play the role of an extra pair of hands. But save for Chekov, none of them was fond of him, none of them really gave a shit. ]

[ Korra on the other hand... Her feelings on his arrival may still change. But right now, they are as immutable as sunset; she demonstrates it in her small unforgettable ways, reminding him, everytime he doubts it, that he has value, and is part of what she defends, her world. ]

[ In the circle of his arms, he feels the strong beating of her heart. Murmurs, his tone of quiet gratitude scalloped with an intrinsic skepticism. ]

I'm glad ... you're still here for me. Just know that if you change your mind, you're free to go. Just like you said, back in the City.

[ I will be the one to end things. He hasn't forgotten that clause of their arrangement. Other stipulations have shifted and reshaped and dissolved entirely. But that still holds true, because as possessive and cruel as Hei is, he can't keep someone he loves against their will. He couldn't with Pai, either. ]

[anatural]

[Korra looks at him like he's a particularly frustrating lunatic.] I know. [That clause wasn't about him holding her against her will... it was about him leaving her for bullshit reasons. She was, is, forever will be not okay with him making unilateral choices "for her own good".]

If you're done being an idiot, can we eat now?

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei blinks, before loosening his grip. ]

Yeah.

[ It is the definitive Hei punctuation to all her remarks, one that can range from assent to skepticism to derision. Yeah, I heard you. Yeah, I'm pretending to agree so I don't have to give you a real answer. Yeah, no comment. He's not exactly eased -- (when is he ever?) -- but it doesn't matter. While Korra is here, he has a foundation, laid minute by minute, to walk forward on. As if she holds a bowl of happiness in her hands, and is constantly feeding him spoonfuls that dissolve deliciously on his tongue and leave him hungry for more. ]

[ The spread is already on the table, aromatic and colorful as a Persian bazaar. Hei settles at what he remembers as his usual spot, at an angle from Korra, with an unimpeded view of all doorways and windows. He doesn't eat; just pours tea into a ceramic cup. For a year on the Enterprise he'd drunk out of either six-ounce plastic cups or thick-bottomed plastic mugs with a handle big enough to fit a single finger -- the kind of unbreakable dishware they used at summer camps. When those dishes broke, they left no sharp angles. (Kirk's method of ensuring that their accidental stowaway was never armed. He didn't realize Hei was adept at turning every part of his body into a weapon.) ]

[anatural]

Have I mentioned how great it is to have someone else cooking again? [Korra settles down at the table and starts digging into the feast. It takes her a moment to realize that something strange is going on.]

Aren't you going to eat?

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei glances up from his teacup, his usual, subtle frown fading into a mild impassivity. ]

I'm -- [ It's a good thing you're already sitting down, Korra. This might come as a shock. ] Not hungry.

[ Which is strange. Out in space, he was always jonesing for hot meals, cold drinks. It'd felt so good to fill the empty space inside of him. But it was like dumping dirt down a bottomless hole: you could throw shovelful after shovelful, yet it made not the slightest difference. Alone, even with his belly full, images would zip through his head, slideshow style: his favorite foods lovingly presented, glistening and overplumped and too perfect, ripped from the glossy pages of Bon Appétit -- a leering parody of food, freakishly hyperstylized, comically lewd. ]

[ Maybe it's just a quiet build-up of stress and shock that makes him feel this way. Spacey. ]

[anatural]

[Blink. Blink. Blink.]

Are you feeling okay?

[She puts her hand to his forehead. He's never not hungry. No matter how weird things get, no matter how bad things are, he's always ready to shovel food down his mouth. What on earth is going on?]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Gently, Hei bats her hand off, shaking his head, dismissal, negation. Reaches, after a moment, to tug her from her seat and into his lap, in the old remembered way. He can't explain to her, all the sticky bits in his head, where his sense of disorientation and regret rubs too hard against his instinct for joy. He still feels like he's intruding on the life Korra has restructured without him. He thinks she ought to escape back into the flow of time, but he doesn't want to send her there, and he doesn't really want her to decide to go either. But he's afraid one day she'll wake up and be angry at him for drinking up her time, limiting her choices. ]

[ He doesn't tell her that. Just reaches out, plucking a slice of starfruit from the salad bowl, and hands it to her. ]

[ Quietly, ]

How did it start? You and Asami?

[ If it's an interrogation, he offers no hint of it. His gaze is clear, curious. ]

[anatural]

[The starfruit gives her a good excuse to not talk. She doesn't want to talk about it. It feels like something she shouldn't share, because it's Asami's story too. At the same time, she shared so much of her relationship with Hei with Asami, it's not fair to hide from him.]

It just kind of happened. It wasn't anything romantic. We both just needed a way to let off some stress.

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei ignores the pornified facets of ideas unfolding through his mind. They're the kind suitable to a testosterone-soaked teenager, and he's graduated a decade past that stage. He'd like to believe what Korra and Asami shared was just a fling. Necessary gratification. Certainly, he's done the same in the past. Sex is less personal than a handshake to him; businesswise it has the same double-edged value. ]

[ Except his relationship with Korra had begun that way too. Until, out of nowhere, the heavy shackles of emotion had wrapped themselves around him. It was terrible. BK201's star had risen straight through the smoky skies of Heaven's War, into renown, then infamy -- only to crash back down at the mercy of love. A love that is vicious and childish and clinging, yet fills him with such a bright, aching homeness that he can't imagine why he was once so afraid of it. ]

[ After a moment's hesitation, he takes her hand in his. (Each time, he always expects it to feel the way it used to be -- an impetuous little starfish, compact and smooth. And each time, he finds it delicately toughened, the hand of a competent adult, not a soft girl.) ]

[ Threading their fingers together, he murmurs, ]

'Just kind of happened.' That describes us pretty well too, don't you think?

[ Just a reminder that if he hadn't returned... Well. Things between Korra and Asami may have gone differently. ]

[anatural]

[Korra squeezes his hand tightly.] What are you trying to say? [She doesn't understand why he's pushing this, what he wants. What does he want to hear from her? That she doesn't actually want to be with him? That this whole thing is a mistake?]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Is that what he wants to hear from her? He isn't sure. He isn't even sure if it's some fucked-up nobility prompting this discussion, or plain cowardice, because he's not sure he's meant to be around this older Korra, her eyes shining with clarity and calm, but her choices still so tragically misguided. She shouldn't want to be with him. Not now, when she's gotten her whole life together, when she can have her pick of partners without that fucking storm-tossed, shipwrecked baggage Hei trails everywhere behind him. Worse, it feels wrong to be frolicking around with Korra, wasting her time, wasting his -- when he should be spending every minute searching for Yin. One more person he'd gathered within his protective sphere, then lost because of cruel circumstance and his own carelessness. ]

[ He doesn't meet Korra's eyes. Instead he studies their clasped hands, gently tipping hers back as if to read her palm, divine a message in the creases. He tries, but can't quite attain the dry tone he's aiming for. ]

I'm in love with a woman who needs an actual partner. Not an imitation of one.

[anatural]

[It's amazing, and terrifying, and heartbreaking to see his insecurities so openly on display. To see them not as irrational jealousies or fickle moods or mystery triggers, but as the scars and old wounds of his childhood. She understands them in a way she never could have at eighteen. Not that understanding them does her much good. She understands, but she doesn't know how to reach across the divide or start to heal the wounds.]

What I need is for you to let me worry about what I need. [The same words she's been saying for years, but this time they're not angry. They're sad and affectionate, like a plea. Don’t turn me into something to beat yourself up with.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei wants to argue. But he has no energy for it. His body is a slump against the chair, the dying sunlight smearing against the wall in washes of pink and gold, a sense of nausea and tiredness and soul weariness. She tells him not to worry about what she needs. But he can't help it. Inside, he is tangled up in a place where grimness knots with vulnerability and faint disgust. It needles him, that she should, even now, offer her affections up so unstintingly. What is the rent, the tear, the unstitched flaw in her. that makes men like him attractive to her at all? ]

[ He needs to look inside her. Not out. Maybe he's only the outward manifestation of some interior wound she's failed to attend to properly. ]

[ He wants to tell her that. But with her so close, he can't entirely focus. So instead he tips up her chin to kiss her, deep and fierce, on the mouth, his mind whirling but his body entirely still, as though all his usual simmering energy has zeroed in on one locus. ]

[anatural]

[If only she could punch some sense into him. She wishes she could just rattle his brain until this desperate need to find her flaw falls out and she can stomp on it until it's dead. Things could be so simple, if he'd just let them.]

I love you. [She breathes the words out between kisses. Her body tingles, gearing up to repeat that truth over and over again to him in their unspoken language. And then her stomach grumbles complaint, forcing her to break away.] Dinner. [Need food first.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei wishes it could be simple. Because that's what Korra is, even now. Gloriously unsuspicious, gloriously easy, gloriously simple. As far from spycraft as chalk from cheese. He wants those melting words of hers to sink into her through her lips pressed against his, through her hands on his body, and the surge of emotion he can feel that makes her burn so radiantly. Yet something liquid and formless seems to be frozen inside him, making a hard dense glaze between them, even as he takes her sipping kisses, his hands and mouth caught up in a heady trance against her body. ]

[ Then her stomach grumbles, and he allows her to detach with a single, wavery-edged breath. ]

[ He murmurs, ] You can eat, [ with an air of indulgence and maybe a small spark of humor. Lets her tuck into her plate, still keeping her gathered across his lap, his lips a cool flutter across the nape of her neck, his hands still stroking and sliding, along her waistband, beneath her blouse, petting and smoothing her flanks and thighs with soft sweeps of palms. ]

[anatural]

[Korra giggles and squirms in his lap.] You're not helping. [She can feel him growing hard against her thigh, a warm pulsing distraction. But where once she would have really enjoyed the sexual teasing, right now it feels like a little much. So she pinches his arm.] Give me ten minutes to eat & clean up, and then we'll have the whole night to ourselves.

[WIth a quick kiss, she adds] Give me fifteen and I'll throw in a special surprise.

[mortemscintilla]

[ Bereft, Hei wants to protest that he doesn't need a special surprise. He just needs this -- the sweet hot press of her that makes goosebumps break across his skin and his nerves thrum in delight. He's unused to the elaborate deliberateness of ritual in their sex life. Between them, it's always been messy and fast and spontaneous, his senses swimming in the salty blue sea of Korra's hormonal storm. ]

[ But he can't bear to say no to her. He sinks into her kiss with a grizzled little hum. When she breaks away, he chases after her, his mouth hot and questing, his clothes over-warm and wrinkled and his hair awry, the shell of a tired man except that his eyes are glowing, as if the electric-fire that keeps his body upright is starting to burn wild. ]

[ After a moment, he breaks reluctantly away. Loosens his grip so she can wriggle free, an unspoken, Whatever you like. ]

[anatural]

[She slides back into her seat and polishes off her plate in less than two minutes. She leaves her plate in the sink and packs up the leftover food (so strange, having leftover food with Hei around). The table cleaned, she pulls him in for a kiss and his reward.]

So. Ready for your surprise?