[ He wishes he could tell her -- he couldn't be around her. It wasn't because he didn't care. Wasn't because he didn't love her; if anything, in the wake of this jarring loss, he's aware that he loves her more than ever. But he's also convinced it's no good, because of what he is. He knows, if Pai was here, she'd call him an idiot. She'd remind him that the most truthful of all facts in this universe is that horrible things don't happen because of karma or fate or controlled chaos, but because sometimes events unfold in ways for which there is no explanation. Because there is only one essential truth, and it is this: things happen because they happen. Bad things. Sometimes good things. All things. With no rhyme or reason. Trying to search for meanings is just a person's way of hoping to attach significance to their lives. To believe their sufferings and triumphs were more than transient white-noise. ]
[ Except Hei can't bring himself to buy that cold brand of Contractor-rationale. The loss of this unlooked-for baby has overwhelmed him, asking as it did questions he doesn't want to dwell on. Maybe he wasn't cut out for this? For being a normal person, for wanting to bring a life into this world when whatever he loves, being loved by him, is infected, ruined. Maybe it was a good thing the baby died? And maybe ... his recent distance from Korra was his way of trying to be rid of her, too? Leaving her, drifting away hour by hour ... Except she's the one who was supposed to realize it, and up and go. ]
[ He shakes it off. Looking at Korra now, all small querulous mouth and big burning eyes, he realizes that he can't drift away. Even if he wants to. The realness of her, the gravity-well of her presence, carrying its undertones of salt and heat-current... It anchors him in place. He won't be able to escape, without dismembering some part of himself in the bargain. ]
[ Keeping the conflict off his face, he maintains a level voice. ]
Then you won't mind if this compulsive liar walks with you.
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Date: 2014-08-25 10:09 pm (UTC)[ Except Hei can't bring himself to buy that cold brand of Contractor-rationale. The loss of this unlooked-for baby has overwhelmed him, asking as it did questions he doesn't want to dwell on. Maybe he wasn't cut out for this? For being a normal person, for wanting to bring a life into this world when whatever he loves, being loved by him, is infected, ruined. Maybe it was a good thing the baby died? And maybe ... his recent distance from Korra was his way of trying to be rid of her, too? Leaving her, drifting away hour by hour ... Except she's the one who was supposed to realize it, and up and go. ]
[ He shakes it off. Looking at Korra now, all small querulous mouth and big burning eyes, he realizes that he can't drift away. Even if he wants to. The realness of her, the gravity-well of her presence, carrying its undertones of salt and heat-current... It anchors him in place. He won't be able to escape, without dismembering some part of himself in the bargain. ]
[ Keeping the conflict off his face, he maintains a level voice. ]
Then you won't mind if this compulsive liar walks with you.