learning the new normal

[anatural]

WHO: Korra, Hei, and Mai
WHAT: Like getting special time wasn't already hard enough.

[Parenthood is even more relentless than being the Avatar. This is the realization Korra has come to (yet again) during her family trip to visit Lord Zuko. At least as the Avatar, you can tell people to handle their own problems for six hours so you can sleep. Try telling that to a two year old. (She has tried, actually. It did not work.)

Korra slinks into her room after tucking Mai into bed. She can only hope that the little girl decides to sleep through the night. She needs Mai to be rested and well-behaved for their visit to the ailing old Fire Lord, who is only now recovered enough from his illness to see the little girl. His health isn't strong enough to deal with a tired and temperamental toddler.

She throws herself onto the futon and takes a deep breath. Whenever Hei gets back, she's going to read him the riot act for not being around at bedtime ... except not really. Mai threw a tantrum about being put to bed without "daddy" around, but Korra doesn't want her getting too used to Hei's presence. This trip is a trial run for letting him back into their lives full-time; Korra's still not ready to commit completely.

Though him not being around isn't really helping his case. Where is he?]

Comments

[mortemscintilla]

[ His distance isn't deliberate. At least not completely. ]

[ While Korra tried to put Mai to bed, he'd ghosted outside for a recon-run. The routine is comforting, but mostly it's a necessary breather. His mind feels blown like a flat tire, and in vain he tries to control the involuntary swerve of his thoughts. While he's around Korra and his daughter -- Don't call her that. You blew your chance by walking out on her -- he feels like they're coming to pieces and mingling together awkwardly: hard edges and soft angles that don't quite fit. This vacation isn't a stage of forgiveness or renovation. It's a tryout, like walking on a tightrope or across eggshells. Every moment Hei is aware of tiptoeing around himself and trying too hard to please, uneasy in places where he and Korra had once been comfortable. (Hadn't they?) ]

[ Yet for all the small juddering shocks of discomfort, the reams of quiet awkwardness, there is joy, too. The few days he's spent with Korra and Mai in the Fire Nation, they've done the things they used to do -- In happier times, he thinks, the voice of some Discovery Channel narrator intoning in his head. During the daylight hours they take Mai out to parks, shopping malls, or to meet up with diplomats sent to greet the Avatar, before retiring for smoothies and swimming in the evening sun. After dark, sometimes they find a babysitter for Mai and go out together for an hour or two, make the rounds of the places they'd liked when they first came here, the places where they were just people together: the hot springs, the movie theaters, the nightclubs that had good dance music. ]

[ It's familiar yet not -- golden and strange. There's an element in Hei almost like shame, unworthiness, that makes him sometimes turn his head aside if Korra kisses his face. Whenever he holds Mai's small wiggly weight in his arms, he long to cradle her closer -- yet his entire body says he doesn't deserve it. ]

[ As a trio, they've had a wobbly start. But he refuses to sabotage it with his own hinkiness. ]

[ So when he creates an elsewhere to be, like tonight, he hopes his avoidance isn't hurtful. ]

[ It's quiet when he slips back into the hotel room. Checking on Mai, he finds her already asleep. When he kisses his fingers and reaches out to touch the cool plumpness of her cheek, she lets off a small gurgle, legs stirring, but doesn't wake. Cat-sneaky, he tiptoes out. Part of him hopes Korra is already asleep in the bedroom; his mind buzzes with anxieties while his whole body sags with exhaustion. The other part hopes she's awake; lately he's come to dread the cessation of nightly sex, of running out of sex like running out of conversation, because then they'd have to turn to actual conversation instead, which seems impossible. ]

[ Padding into the bedroom, he blinks when he sees Korra awake -- and decidedly scowly. ]

[ Almost preemptive, he says, ]

Recon.

[ Please don't toss any pillows at him. ]

[anatural]

Of course. [She's annoyed, but not overly so — this is really no more than she can expect from him. She can't be surprised. She sits up and rubs the back of her neck.]

Anything interesting out there?

[mortemscintilla]

The usual.

[ Stray dogs. Hobos. The ubiquitous sway-legged bar crawler or two. ]

[ He stays at a careful distance, studying her. Korra's face is glossed by the moonlight falling through the window, not irate but pouty. Pouty-lipped even. Despite the hard wall of his anxieties, the sight gnaws a sweet dark keyhole through him. ]

[ Carefully, he edges closer, hovering by the foot of the futon. ]

Was it hard putting Mai to sleep?

[ He knows how contrary and restless the little girl gets. Big-eyed insomnia appears to be her superpower, much like Korra's is Avatar-ness, Pai's was stone-silent naps for her Remuneration, and Hei's is perpetual paranoia. ]

[anatural]

It's always hard to put her to sleep. I don't think any child ever hates sleep as much as she does.

[She kicks his ankle, sharp encouragement for him to come closer.]

You should give it a try sometime.

[mortemscintilla]

Give what a try? Not-sleeping?

[ In the halflight of the shoji strips, Hei's eyes are darkly opaque, but the faint twist to his mouth is unmistakable. When she kicks his ankle, he pretends to stumble, dropping to the futon on top of her, catching himself just above her face, which he knows she hates and which always secretly pleases him. ]

[ When he kisses her, it's soft, dark hair skimming her face. Arched over her -- her whole body a beautiful sprawl of fantasy centerfold and sturdy reality -- he feels his anxieties sliding off, leaving behind nothing but the affection of years of lust and almost-friendship, miseries faced, battles survived. ]

[ Nothing but the reminder that here and now, in the warm darkness, there are possibilities for everything to be perfect. (Well, nearly.) ]

[anatural]

[Jerk.

Korra considers making a snarky comment as he pushes her down and kisses her, but ... well, he's kissing her, and even after a decade, those kisses haven't lost their spark. They're the kind of kisses you get drunk on.

Though when they take a moment to breathe, she does manage to say.]

Putting her to bed next time. She might even behave for you.

[mortemscintilla]

You have more faith in my ability than I do.

[ He's aiming for wry self-mockery, but instead his tone flattens and drops into something darker. He hates these moments, where the lightness of every remark is charged with bolts of guilty recollection. Where he feels the futility of his misguided conviction that he can fix the situation by attempting another insane, unreasonable bargain with Korra. Being a test-drive daddy, a temporary figment instead of a daily fixture. ]

[ Then he reminds himself he's lucky to even have that. ]

[ Eyes closed, he nuzzles Korra's hair. A breath, then another, and whatever splotches of dark stain his thoughts fade out, subsumed by that wash of color and aroma he associates with Korra. Tea dregs. Crushed leaves. Sugar and salt. Something almost like home. ]

[ He reaches up and smooths a lock of her hair down, and then there is another kiss -- a brush of cool lips, over too fast, not even a lewd tongue for a promise -- before he props himself on his elbows, then on his knees. ]

[ Sorry, Korra. Makeouts later. Showertime now. ]

[anatural]

[Hasn't that been the story of their lives.]

You could at least try. [But he's already headed to the bathroom. Also the story of their lives — him walking out without a word while they're in the middle of something. Korra rolls her eyes, and with a sharp gesture and she slaps his ass using a blast of air.]

Where are you going?

[mortemscintilla]

Hey -- !

[ He stumbles mid-step then realigns his weight in the next beat, as if braced for an attack. But Korra is just glaring at him, managing to look pissy and resentful and lovely all at once. Despite his mild twitch of irritation, something in him softens. Hovering at the bathroom doorway, he gives her a little finger wave -- apology, explanation -- before slipping in. In the harsh light of the hotel bathroom he sloughs off his clothes before getting under the hot dribble of the shower. Korra's accusing look lingers at the edges of his retina -- a secondhand burn -- though he tries to divert his mind away from complicated questions. ]

[ Questions like: Why aren't you trying? Just what are you afraid of? ]

[ Seven minutes later, the nightly rituals of bathing and toothbrushing completed, he pads out in his usual shorts and T-shirt, hair sticking up all over in damp licks. Tentative, he sidles over to the futon, ]

I ... didn't think it was that big a deal. Who puts her to bed, I mean. [ Well, it's not like his father had, anyway. A beat, before he hastens to add, ] I will if you want me to.

[anatural]

[He really is the single most irritating person Korra has ever met in her entire life. He clearly notices how annoyed she is, but instead of soothing her, he goes to take a shower. A real fucking catch, he is.

When he comes back to the futon, she has her back to him. She rolls back over to look at him.]

It's part of being her parent, which is a big deal. And getting her to sleep is a lot harder than you think! It's not just tucking her in and kissing her forehead! [In case you were wondering, mister! But on a more serious note —]

She misses you when you're not here. She wants you around. So you need to be around.

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei feels that tightness in his chest give way to something crumpled, misshapen. It hurts when she looks at him like that, her insides showing on the outside, through her eyes. He wishes he was emotionally in-tune enough -- strong enough -- to reach out and stroke the curve of her head: the fragile shell that holds all those rightfully resentful thoughts. He's trying hard to keep up with her, to feel as if he isn't an interloper, a tangle in the natural twining between Korra and Mai. But half the time his attempts feel like a blur of bad plans and worse execution whenever they stray past the basics. Playtimes. Walks. Snacks. ]

[ He barely considers himself good at those basics, to be honest. ]

[ Except that's no excuse not to try. ]

[ Carefully, he kneels by the futon. Reaches out to touch her shoulder, a cool fan of curled fingers. Part of him has to remember that he's as good as on sufferance here. That she's giving him a second chance after his colossally selfish behavior. He has no right to refuse. More than that, he shouldn't want to. Time with Mai isn't a chore; the opposite, each moment is a twist of both happiness and sadness in his gut. ]

[ He's ill-equipped to deal with children for an extended time-frame. But that doesn't mean he can't learn. ]

[ Quietly, ]

I'll handle all her stuff tomorrow.

[ Breakfast. Diaper changes. Playing with her. Lunch. Dinner. Baths and bedtime. Usually he just hovers uneasily at the fringes. Surely he can be more hands-on? ]

[anatural]

[She takes his hand and tugs on it, a silent indication that he should lie down with her. He's such an emotional klutz, like he's still a teenager. She'll never understand how it is that he both grew up too fast and yet hasn't grown up at all.]

This isn't a sprint. The idea is to be in this for the long haul. Try breakfast and bedtime for the rest of this week and we'll see how it goes.

[mortemscintilla]

[ She takes his hand, and a frisson of both relief and disquiet goes through him, making him tingle. Truth be told, he'll never quite understand his own strangeness either; his triggers and phobias are as hidden from him as God. He doesn't want to pathologize his coldness and temper-tantrums, to use his past as an excuse for his shitty behavior. But it's terrifying to consider that maybe it's not the past at all. Maybe it's his nature. Maybe he's just ... a bad seed. No point pretending to be kind and domestic and fatherly; he won't be able to keep the charade for long. Everything he sows is rotten. ]

[ Eyes squeezed shut, he tries not to think about it. Instead he folds himself across Korra, his weight shifting the futon's thin mattress. Cool tip of nose buried in her hair, arms and legs a clumsy, comfortable drape. Better not to think about what a monster she's caressing. Better to keep that terrifying ichor in his brain far away, all those ugly thoughts poisoned by blood-red memories and the bitterness of want. ]

[ Instead, almost tentatively, ]

Maybe... I could read to her at bedtimes.

[ Because singing her to sleep is out of the question unless he wants Mai traumatized. ]

[anatural]

She'd love that. [No need to be so tentative, Hei!] Her favorite book is Fuu the Little Rabbiroo. She could listen to that over and over and over and over again. You have to be firm about only reading it once, though, or she'll never go to sleep.

[When Mai was younger, Korra would rattle off every trick she knew to Hei, trying to make it easy for him so he wouldn't find it a chore. Now she's content to let him learn the rest of the tricks by trial & error; demonstrate his commitment through the effort of learning.

She presses a kiss to the side of his neck and wiggles closer to him.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Fuu the Little Rabbiroo? Hei can feel the edges of his expression twitching into a choked, affronted misgiving. Manfully, he tries to shrug it away. It's not her fault that every little light anecdote she gives him, everything fond and simple about Mai that he can turn over and over and enjoy, feels like a block of lead clapped into his palm. He can't remember the last time he's ever read anything to anyone -- but, dammit. It can't be that hard! ]

[ Korra kisses him and wriggles closer, the soft material of her blouse riding up so when he strokes his palm across her hip, it's easy to slip it beneath the hem, across the shock of warm bare flesh. The smells in the room are so pleasant, the futon so soft and accommodating. He has nothing like this in his life -- his real life, not this glad reprieve -- anymore, so why not just, for a few minutes, enjoy it, before ... before ... ]

[ His eyelids flutter and close. In the semi-dark, his mouth finds Korra's, the kisses lingering and soft, but with a burning spark of hunger. Despite his jittery anxieties, there's a profound sense of gratitude suffusing him in these moments, and his hands are languid but purposeful as they stroke up the plane of her back under her shirt, then down beneath the waistband of her slacks. ]

[anatural]

[If he puts his mind to it, he can do it; of that Korra has no doubt. It's just a matter of getting him to try, which is the most frustrating thing in Korra's experience. There are so many times when he just won't try and she understands it, she really does, she's been in places where she's lost the ability to try, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

She hums softly as his hands slide under her clothes. She likes the way he smells, freshly showered, and the way his damp hair feels against her skin. Damn but he has her by the crotch ... all he has to do is touch her and she melts.

She re-solidifies when a familiar voice starts screaming. Great. Something woke the baby.]

Well. Now's your chance. [Put the baby back to bed.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ He blinks at the scream, full of such grumpy energy that it's nearly enough to expel any desire from the entire building. Mai really does have an impressive set of lungs on her. He finds it considerably more endearing when she's laughing or singing or baby-babbling, though. ]

[ Still curled around Korra, he hesitates at her words, his hands making small idle circles across her skin under the sheets. He almost wants to beg off; it's nice and cozy and private here. Surely if they ignore the baby she'll quiet down. That doesn't sound like her Help Me clamoring. More her variety of Entertain Me, Fools. She'll simmer down in a bit. ]

[ Except that's not what A Proper Father would do. ]

[ So he mutters, ] ...Fine... [ before pitching his body close to kiss Korra again, both lingering and parting. Reluctantly, he drags himself up, scrubbing both hands through his hair. As Mai's blaring cry intensifies, he pads over to her room. She's sitting up in her crib, fat fists gripping the bars, unmistakably crocodile tears squirting down her fat pink cheeks. ]

[ Yet, despite Hei's misgivings, something about her always loosens that knot in his temples and his chest. It's like with Pai: even when he's pissed off with her, her tiny fingers are hooked in his heartstrings. Lifting her out, he holds her aloft, until her blubbering softens into a quiet lisping coo. ]

Too much noise, Mai. Your mother needs sleep.

[ A gentle reinforcement of rules and boundaries, the way he's seen Korra do. Mama sleep? Mai echoes, a forlorn question rather than brainless parroting. His daughter has an extensive vocabulary for her age, but she's no chattering twit. Usually she limits herself to two words or so. (Maybe it's from him that she's picked that up?) ]

[anatural]

[Seriously could he sound any more like a teenager? He says "fine" exactly the way she did when she was 16 and being told to meditate.

On the other hand, much like her sixteen year old self, he does indeed get up and do it, however reluctantly.

She resists the urge to follow him & watch. If she's there, he'll no doubt try to foist Mai onto her the moment he gets uncomfortable. She needs to let him be.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ He half-hopes Korra will show up at some point, relieving him of the responsibility. ]

[ When he gathers up the crowing Mai, though, swaying the baby on his hip, waltzing slowly around the crib with a perfectly straight-faced playfulness, the anxiety fades. Bit by bit, Mai stops turning her head distractedly every direction, craning around for her mother, her inquiries getting softer. She plucks at his shirt with her tiny, rather stubby-fingered hands, looking up at him with her head thrown all the way back, eyes shiny with drying tears. When he cuts a second smooth arc across the room, her mouth softens into a sweet little curl, such a replica of Korra's that it's eerie. ]

[ Against his will, Hei smiles back, his lips forming the smile-shape jerkily, as if unaccustomed to using the stiff muscles involved. ]

[ Quietly, ]

Want me to read you that story? [ What the hell was it again? ] Fuu the Whosits?

[ Fuuuu, Mai concurs cheerfully, clapping her chubby hands. The order decreed, he hastens to obey. There's a small armchair at the corner of the room. Fetching the book -- brightly illustrated with gold binding -- he settles there, Mai nestled in the crook of his arm. Flipping through the pages with mild distaste, he stares at the pictures: animals with freakishly big eyes and luridly colored fur, swirling lines and psychadelic backgrounds. The stuff of LSD nightmares. ]

[ Under his breath, ]

No wonder you can't sleep.

[ Baaaa! Mai prods him, imperious and impatient. With a tired sigh, but secretly amused, Hei complies... ]

It all began on a cloudy day...

[anatural]

[It's a shame she can't hear what's going on from the bedroom (though also for the best, otherwise Mai would constantly be woken up by the sounds of sex) — though she can hear that Mai has stopped wailing. Korra waits to see how long it will take him to put her down.

No surprise — it's taking awhile. To go check on him, or to go to sleep? After a moment's thought, she decides to go with sleep. She wiggles out of her shirt & pants and tosses them to the side of the room. If she's asleep when Hei comes back and he's still feeling frisky, she figures her state of undress will work as a tacit invitation to wake her up.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ To be fair, it's taking awhile because Hei gets completely caught up in the task. ]

[ Mai, it seems, has no objections if Baba reads to her instead of Mama. Painstakingly, he tries to narrate in his sincerest and most enthusiastic voice. It's slow-going at first. But the story's plot -- (no tepid Disneyland bullshit; there is arson and thieving and dice-rolling by chapter 5 alone) -- snags his interest so his voice automatically reflects it. Sifting through the pages, Hei tries acting out the animals in different onomatopoeic voices. At one point, after a particularly spirited rooster-crow, he glances down at Mai when he hears a bright giggle. It's charming, and strange, how the child's eyes are so wide as they study the pictures. How she barely breathes as if for fear of missing a single word. ]

Woowoowoo, [ he breathes, gaining courage as he reads and watches Mai twinkle. ]

[ He's midway through the book when the little girl finally grows drowsy-eyed. By chapter 10, she is firmly asleep. Hei goes on reading, but it's more an excuse than anything else, to keep the light on, to go on feasting his eyes on her, his odd little dumpling. Gently, he spills her back into her crib, draws the covers over her, and hits the lights. ]

[ Padding back to the bedroom, weary yet pleasantly buzzed, he's disappointed to find Korra asleep. Although -- as he slides quietly into the futon beside her, her nude body druggingly warm against his clothed one -- he wonders if she'd shucked her clothes off in invitation. Kissing her throat under her ear, he is watchful, half torn between letting her sleep and following suit, and in snatching any sweetness that is available while this trip lasts. ]

[anatural]

[Korra almost wakes up as he kisses her throat. Her limbs feel heavy and sluggish, in a pleasant way.]

Shezleep? [Asking about Mai, although while still two-thirds asleep herself, words are hard.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei smiles, a curl-shaped imprint against Korra's hair. Her sleepy voice laps heavily at his ears, making his eyelids droop, making a yawn bubble at the edges of his mouth. Yet he can't help but think Mai has taken after Korra in so many ways. They have the same faces, those supple features with their constantly shading expressions, whether wide-awake of half-dozing, the same curiosities that grip them periodically with the force of fever dreams, making them intent or loud or adorable or thoughtless or sweet. ]

[ Nuzzling the soft cup of her ear, he folds himself closer around her. ]

Like the drooling baby she is.

[ Meant in the tenderest way, of course. ]

[anatural]

Mmmmuud. [Good is what she is trying to say, to the extent that she's trying to words at all. She rolls over and wriggles closer to him, her hands sliding underneath the waistband of his pants as her lips reach for his neck. The one thought which vaguely crosses her mind, making little furrows in her brow, is that he has too many clothes on.]

[mortemscintilla]

[ Hei lets her burrow closer, her lips feeding slow shivery throbs of pleasure from his skull to his groin. Skimming his hands around her back, he gathers her in tight, while trying simultaneously to help her shuck his clothes. It's slow-going, but not impossible -- an awkward twist and yank gets off his T-shirt, and then he's free to kick the shorts off until they're lost somewhere in the sea of blankets. With the warm rub of her nakedness against his, he feels it: that slow dark untethering from restraint and reality. ]

[ But it's better this way, sweet and indolent, both of them half-asleep but wanting just...one... more... ]

[ Slowly, he spills her onto her back. Settles his weight across her, his cock only half-woken, rolling heavily between their bodies. Laying kisses on her face, all around her mouth, he lets his hands roam, the laziest possible touch. Now smoothing her mussed hair, now cupping and kneading her breasts, now tracing her ribs, the curve of her hips, the humid curls between her thighs. ]

[ Delicious, well-known territory -- yet that hot kick of hunger to his balls, that liquifying of his brainpain, all feels so perfectly, unpredictably new each time. ]