fuse_box | Sharp sense of insecurity

[This is a really bad idea. Korra knows this, repeats it over and over to herself as she takes the elevator up to Hei's apartment.

Just a sad little girl willing to spread her legs for anyone who'd pay attention to her. A sad little girl who can only love people who hurt her.

She thought she had worked these issues out years ago. She's no longer ashamed of her sexual history or her turbulent relationship with Hei. She's comfortable with who she is. And yet ... The spirit's words clawed their way under her skin, turning her blood into slime. Making her feel tainted and deformed. She destroyed the spirit, but the wound remains.

She can't bear to go home to Mai and Asami like this. She's in no condition to really accept the comfort that Asami has to offer, without secretly wondering if the other woman was just blinded by affection. Most importantly, she doesn't want this taint to reach her little girl.

This is a bad idea. But she presses on because she suspects it's the irrational, self-loathing part of her talking and not her real self. Yet a sick feeling in her gut leaves her uncertain whether this is something she really needs ... or a terrible mistake.]

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[Korra melts into the bed, her eyes closed, and laughs weakly.]

That's nothing ... to what you've done to me.

[She pulls him down so he's completely sprawled on top of her, his weight a reassuring press against her body.]

I might not ever walk again.

Good.

[ A forcible swallow. He feels like he is talking through ground glass. He's aged a decade. God help him. ]

[ It doesn't seem as if Korra is going to slip away. Strange, but miraculous; these days she handles him like a radioactive rash. (And how sad is it that his every thought carries that mental tag: these days?). Feeling bold, he draws up the blankets, shifting only so he can dump the condom in the trash, before splaying across her boneless languid body. It doesn't feel like a cuddle: it's too insatiable, too tightly-woven. He doesn't want to stop touching her. Every bit of friction, the pebbles of her spine where he strokes her back, the warm ticklish drag of her hair across his cheek, is exquisite. ]

[ Outside, it is still raining. The faint scent of downpour fills the room. Everything almost-silent except for the dripping of water from the eaves and windows -- and his and Korra's gently sawing breaths. ]

[ There's a beat, before he asks, his voice edged with quiet, ]

Stay?

[ Stay the night or Stay forever? He isn't sure. ]

[She shouldn't. She should shower, go home to Mai and Asami, let them know she's all right. Except ... it's not like Asami is expecting Korra back tonight. (Times like this, Korra actually did miss those stupid devices in the City, which she could use to send a quick note to Asami without letting reality intrude too much.)]

Okay. [It's not like the world will end if she stays. Besides, she's exhausted. And she wants him so badly...

Sighing, she nuzzles him, burying her face in his neck to block out all light. (Something she's never really done with anyone other than him.) She wishes she could slide him inside her, not to fuck again (yet); just to feel him in there. There's a black hole of need inside her that doesn't care if her body is spent.]

I'm thinking of taking Mai to the Fire Nation for a month. To visit Ambassador Zuko. [The former Fire Lord was getting too old to travel like he used to, and Korra wanted to see him again before he passed.]

[ She says Okay, and there is a quiet wing-beat flicker in Hei's chest. Gratitude and relief. And he once thought she was the only one who was needy. Exhaling, he shifts, settles himself closer against her, kisses the warm patch of skin he finds near his -- her temple. His eyelids are heavy, but he can't turn his gaze from the grainy-gray window, shimmering with rainfall. The seafoamy smell in the room is familiar, almost pleasantly comforting, and suddenly the futon seems so cozy and accommodating. He has nothing like this contentment in his life anymore, can't he just, for a few minutes, enjoy it, before ... before... ]

[ His eyelids flutter and close. ]

[ Taking Mai to the Fire Nation. ]

[ Tension plucks the strings of his nerves. He isn't sure how to take this. A gentle distancing? A reminder that they both lead separate lives -- and should continue to? Or maybe ... an invitation? ]

[ Keeping the strain out of his voice, he says, ]

You could leave Mai here. [ He nearly says Our daughter, but stops that knee-jerk needling in time. He lost the privilege to toss around words like us and ours after what he did. Fingertips stroking lightly down her back, he hastens to add, ] If you want, anyway.

No! [Korra has gradually made her peace with unsupervised overnight visits, but it is a hundred years too soon to leave her daughter alone with Hei for that long. Her voice softens after the knee-jerk response fades.] That's not what I meant.

[She takes a deep breath, gathering her scattered thoughts and tangles of feelings. Her fingers trace nervous, idle patterns on his skin.]

You could come with us, if you want.

[It's a compromise between her good sense and her aching desire to have him back.]

[ Something in his chest flares, as if he's been pierced with a red-hot shiruken. He nearly asks Really, except he is afraid she might backtrack, make a nick-of-time escape once she remembers herself -- either five minutes after the hormone-soaked indolence fades, or tomorrow, in the bright sobriety of daylight. He's afraid too, of being absolutely crushed after his long-dormant hopes are stirring. Of disturbing the comfortable nullity he should not dare breach -- otherwise all the heartache and misery sweeps through him in a dark wave. ]

[ Hard to succumb to the seduction of trust, after everything that's happened. But, he reminds himself, if he's in a precarious spot, then Korra's is ten times riskier. ]

[ Eventually, his voice dropping before it trips into a boyish stammer, ]

I -- all right.

[ Although he knows he should be cooler, nonchalant, because BK201 never used to tolerate being unnecessarily jerked around -- he feels ready to fly to the Fire Nation with Korra and little Mai at once. With his eyes half-closed and Korra's heavy skull nestled against his cheek, he imagines nights of this, days of this: this beautiful girl in his arms, smooching, undressing, her eyes blue and glowy and opaque as he gazes into them. Or baby Mai's warm wriggly weight in the crook of his elbow, her words like a chiming nonsense tinkle from a music-box. ]

[ How could he possibly refuse? (How can he ignore how much it will hurt afterward?) ]

[It's dumb to feel so happy because of his response. Dumb to have invited him in the first place. Dumb to have done so many things, and Korra doesn't care. Her mind flies straight to where Hei's is: happy picnics with Mai running around giggling; steamy nights tangled together as the little girl sleeps.

Almost as though in preparation, she reaches down and slides his cock between her thighs, so its length rests nuzzled up against her curls. She's not addled enough to take it inside without a condom, but she wants it close.]

Good. [They can work out the details later. For now, this is enough.]

Sharp sense of insecurity

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