[ Hei understands everything she's laying out. Understands it is justified, and right, and true. Yet his heart flutters weakly in his chest like a half-crushed bird on the pavement. The pressure of his banked sadness is only bearable when he doesn't have to think of what he's thrown away. Whatever he thinks he'll achieve by improving, becoming a better man, a better father, are only his own fantasies. Whatever he thinks he'll find by sleeping with Korra again is fantasy too. She doesn't trust him, he can't possibly make her happy -- and there are dozens of others who will scratch her itch better than he can. ]
[ If he succumbs to her right now, fucks her, it will be fed by obligation and self-loathing, because he is so heartsick for her that he'd almost like to believe such a thing could overcome his terrible betrayal. ]
[ He swallows around the knot in his throat. His fingers skim across Korra's cheek -- affection, apology -- before he forces them to drop away. Forces his body away from hers, his face held carefully inexpressive, even as want races along his nerves to reach every inch of his skin. This isn't about trust, she says. It's true that they've fucked while devoid of trust for years. Frequently fast, and violent, done in positions that let them wring pleasure from each other while yet remaining distant. Bodies banging together. ]
[ Except that neat expedience has lost its appeal. ]
I know you don't trust me anymore. But whatever's come between us, you'll always have Mai. You'll have your family, your work, and people who love you. You'll have your fling -- with me or with anyone else -- get the loneliness out of your system, and pull through.
[ He keeps his tone gentle, like it is some kind of reasonable proposal put to her. Tries not to stare at her, to throb with want. ]
[ Quieter, ]
It'll be worse for me after.
[ A few scraps of intimacy with her -- that's worse than none at all. ]
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Date: 2015-06-24 10:34 pm (UTC)[ If he succumbs to her right now, fucks her, it will be fed by obligation and self-loathing, because he is so heartsick for her that he'd almost like to believe such a thing could overcome his terrible betrayal. ]
[ He swallows around the knot in his throat. His fingers skim across Korra's cheek -- affection, apology -- before he forces them to drop away. Forces his body away from hers, his face held carefully inexpressive, even as want races along his nerves to reach every inch of his skin. This isn't about trust, she says. It's true that they've fucked while devoid of trust for years. Frequently fast, and violent, done in positions that let them wring pleasure from each other while yet remaining distant. Bodies banging together. ]
[ Except that neat expedience has lost its appeal. ]
I know you don't trust me anymore. But whatever's come between us, you'll always have Mai. You'll have your family, your work, and people who love you. You'll have your fling -- with me or with anyone else -- get the loneliness out of your system, and pull through.
[ He keeps his tone gentle, like it is some kind of reasonable proposal put to her. Tries not to stare at her, to throb with want. ]
[ Quieter, ]
It'll be worse for me after.
[ A few scraps of intimacy with her -- that's worse than none at all. ]