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WHO: Korra & Hei
WHAT: Korra kind of regrets letting Hei come see his kid.
[If the circumstances were any different, Korra would be tempted to drop Mai in Hei's arms and run out the door. Considering what happened last time she did that, the thought doesn't even cross her mind. But she is not looking forward to Hei's visit one bit.
She walked him to the front door after they put Mai to bed. He leaned in — or maybe just inclined his head, Korra didn’t know, wasn’t thinking as she pulled him in for a kiss. Bodies crushed together, both their unspoken desires reflected by the bulge in his pants. Another five seconds of kissing and she would have taken him back to bed.
She groans and buries her face in the rug. Mai giggles & claps her hands in response, clearly seeing this as a gesture for her entertainment; Korra raises her head to give the baby a dry look. It softens quickly into a sigh.]
Don't ever fall in love, Mai-girl.
[If she didn't have Mai to look out for, Korra knows she'd take him back. She hates sleeping alone; that's why she still sleeps in a cot in Mai's room, even though her illness is now almost a year passed. Asami's invited Korra to live with her, and she's been giving it some serious thought, but moving is a pain in the butt and she loves this house. It would be so much easier to just take Hei back (so much better if the events of last year just never happened).
She thunks her head on the floor again, prompting another round of giggles from her unsympathetic toddler. This was going to be an awkward visit.]
WHAT: Korra kind of regrets letting Hei come see his kid.
[If the circumstances were any different, Korra would be tempted to drop Mai in Hei's arms and run out the door. Considering what happened last time she did that, the thought doesn't even cross her mind. But she is not looking forward to Hei's visit one bit.
She walked him to the front door after they put Mai to bed. He leaned in — or maybe just inclined his head, Korra didn’t know, wasn’t thinking as she pulled him in for a kiss. Bodies crushed together, both their unspoken desires reflected by the bulge in his pants. Another five seconds of kissing and she would have taken him back to bed.
She groans and buries her face in the rug. Mai giggles & claps her hands in response, clearly seeing this as a gesture for her entertainment; Korra raises her head to give the baby a dry look. It softens quickly into a sigh.]
Don't ever fall in love, Mai-girl.
[If she didn't have Mai to look out for, Korra knows she'd take him back. She hates sleeping alone; that's why she still sleeps in a cot in Mai's room, even though her illness is now almost a year passed. Asami's invited Korra to live with her, and she's been giving it some serious thought, but moving is a pain in the butt and she loves this house. It would be so much easier to just take Hei back (so much better if the events of last year just never happened).
She thunks her head on the floor again, prompting another round of giggles from her unsympathetic toddler. This was going to be an awkward visit.]
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Date: 2015-06-21 02:39 pm (UTC)[ They've reached a tentative arrangement. Every week, he is allowed to visit his daughter. Each time, Mai's features grow more uncamouflaged by puppy-poundage. She's begun to manifest a striking resemblance to her mother, and very dimly to Pai -- which is to say that no baby could become more quickly more adorable. It's a prettiness that fails to replicate in photos, though. He has a few snaps of Mai -- given to him by Asami -- and she always seems unremarkable in them, lacking the vivacity Korra had as a child, or Pai's pale daintiness. ]
[ Hei couldn't care less. The moments he spends with Mai -- a litany of lackadaisical activities like playing with trains on the carpet or digging for treasure in the yard or reading to her from her colorful books -- are tiny drops of the purest, more dazzling happiness he's ever experienced. For her, it's as if he is a completely different person than he'd ever been for anyone else. She knows nothing about him but what he is in her present-tense. With her, there is nothing at all to live down. ]
[ Each time, he seems to delight her nearly as much as she delights him. And each time, he finds whole new superhighways of adoration in his makeup, entirely for her. It's more than he'd dreamed. ]
[ Meanwhile, matters between him and Korra remain a point of outright discomfort. Their heated interlude in the last visit -- a mark of leftover passion as much as an outlet for stoppered tension -- makes matters worse, not better. His desire for her refuses to subside; if anything it seems to spring from a deeper place than ever before. But it's blurred, too, by self-disgust. By the knowledge that he doesn't deserve her. Certainly can't keep her happy, or Mai safe. Sometimes he's amazed she can look at him, speak to him at all -- so entwined is he with the knowledge of past failures and trauma. ]
[ He doesn't deserve love, or kindness, or second chances. Not that deserving has anything to do with it, or most of humanity would go wanting. ]
[ That evening, at their arranged time, he arrives at the Beach House. His heart is pounding so hard he can feel his own pulse beat in his fingers -- anticipation, dread. Each time, he's queasily convinced that Korra will turn him away. And each time she doesn't, he struggles with a glad surge of relief that is nearly disorientation. ]
[ At the door, he can almost hear Mai's muffled giggles. The sound wakes something in his belly -- giddy butterflies and bubbles. Hefting the wrapped package of puzzles and home-made red-date rice congee for Mai, he knocks twice on the door. ]
[ Hopefully this won't be too awkward a visit. ]
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Date: 2015-06-21 04:14 pm (UTC)Speak of the wolf... [Baa! Baa! Mai chortles and kicks her feet, nearly getting Korra in the gut as her mother picks her up.] None of that, now. Your dad is here.
[She hoists Mai onto her hip, then changes her mind and shifts her in front like a shield. Cowering behind your toddler, real brave, Korra.
Though she's glad she did when she opens the front door. He's lost the haggard look he had in those early months; it looks like he's been eating better and maybe even sleeping a little. He looks good enough to send for the babysitter.]
...hi. [She hopes that didn't take her as long to say as it seemed.]
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Date: 2015-06-22 12:06 pm (UTC)[ Yet, framed by the doorway, Korra gains perfect solidity, beautiful and bright, the energy coming off her positively kinetic. In her arms, Mai is a zippy, big-eyed bundle. She grabs the air in front of her with plump little hands. Her cries of Baa! Baa! are whisked with an almost carillon musicality into his ears. Slowly, something in Hei's chest relaxes and it is simply good: the yellow-lit tableau on the porch, the cheery toddler, the two silent adults. ]
[ Exhaling, he edges closer. Korra's quiet Hi fills the silence in a way that deepens it rather than underscores it, allowing him to hear all her nervousness. He is nervous in turn, nodding what passes for a greeting. But it's never his way to be paralyzed for long. In the next beat, he dips his head, dropping a kiss to Mai's cheek, near enough that Korra's inrushing aroma overlaps the baby's powdery scent. The nostalgia is nearly overwhelming; if he stays close, he's half-sure he'll do something stupid, like try to kiss her, too. ]
[ Straightening forcibly, he tries for a wan smile. ]
Can I come in?
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Date: 2015-06-22 12:30 pm (UTC)She hasn't eaten yet, if you want to feed her. [Korra feels a twinge - no, an outright stab - of nostalgia for the days when Hei owned the kitchen and she'd come home to delicious food sizzling on the stove. Food was one of the ways he said I love you.]
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Date: 2015-06-22 01:17 pm (UTC)[ Stepping past the threshold, Hei remembers when there was a strange, straightforward relief to be home. To flip on the light, toss his keys, toe off his shoes and hang his jacket, with Korra following in his wake, her voice rolling lullingly, sweetly, in his ears. Now the whole house feels strange to him. Changed in a dozen tiny ways that, taken together, seem massive. The toys, the aromas, the knickknacks and everything in it is all about a kind of life that feels too foreign to him to just step into and pull up around him like a pair of jeans left puddled on the floor. Nothing here belongs to him -- not since he'd carelessly tossed it aside. ]
[ Even laying claim to Mai -- his own daughter -- feels like a presumption. ]
[ Shaking it off, he carries the congee and the baby's gift into the kitchen. His mind has left a strong residual image of the space; it always disquiets him to glance around and notice jars misaligned, greasy dishes in the sink, crumbs on the counter. Granted, the place is no pigsty. But during his stay, he'd always kept everything forcefully neat in his usual spartan way. ]
[ Carefully, he gathers Mai out of Korra's arms. Their fingers brush in the exchange; his belly sparks a warmth that shoots up his throat and makes his ears hot. Ducking his head, he focuses on plopping the crowing Mai in her high chair. She stirs with a perky restlessness, kicking her little red booted feet and fixing glittery gleeful eyes on him. ]
[ Against his will, Hei melts inside with that familiar, half-distracted tenderness. ]
Hungry?
[ Meh! is the chirping reply. He reads that as a 'Yes.' ]
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Date: 2015-06-22 01:40 pm (UTC)More comfortable, even, at least today. Watching how good he's gotten with the baby just makes her want to make another with him. She quickly leaves to tidy the living room and avoid thinking about how nice it would be to have someone in her bed every night again.]
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Date: 2015-06-22 02:38 pm (UTC)[ This is something completely different. The sight of Mai burns a bright-dark hole of sweetness right into his chest. Makes him feel almost whole. Alive. (So how could he have walked out on her? His own defenseless child -- how deep must you core into any human heart to find that awful well of expedience?) ]
[ Distantly, he hears Korra bustling around the apartment. The rest of him stays focused on Mai. Playfully, he zooms the spoon towards her face in a zigzag pattern, catching her off-guard before she can think it's a game and push it away. She seems to like the congee; after five or six spoonfuls, she opens her wet giggly little mouth in expectation for another scoop. ]
[ Feeding her patiently, he murmurs -- not in that retarded croon adults use with babies -- but in his quiet, everyday voice, ]
We'll look for seashells later. If your mother lets us. How's that sound?
[ Meeeeeeeh! She says this the same way Marlon Brando shouted "Steeeeeellla!" in A Streetcar Named Desire. Hiding a smile, he spoons more pureed rice porridge into her mobile mouth. He half-hopes, if Korra agrees, she'll tag along, too. ]
[ He feels closer to her, somehow, when the baby is between them. ]
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Date: 2015-06-22 02:56 pm (UTC)Korra listens to Hei and Mai's conversation as she puts away the toys in the living room. His scorn for babytalk used to amuse her, until his abandonment made it seem like a warning sign she'd missed. But there's still something charming in how he talks to the baby. Mai is probably one of the only people he actually makes conversation with... He never talked with Korra's friends, and even during their good days, Korra was the one who did most of the talking.
Finishing the living room, she heads outside to check on Naga. In a weird way, her father's death was a terrifying reminder of Naga's mortality. Most polar bear dogs don't live into their 30s... as hale and healthy as her friend seems, Korra can't help being afraid that she'll drop dead at any minute.
But for right now Naga is fine. She woofs softly and nuzzles Korra's shoulder before peering back through the kitchen window, keeping an eagle eye on Hei and the baby. Korra smiles, wraps her arms around Naga's neck and leans against her as she watches too, glad that Hei's back is towards them.]
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Date: 2015-06-22 09:43 pm (UTC)[ Hei doesn't mind. He's seen babies wasted away by malnutrition, tiny cadavers twitching in their cradles. At least Mai is healthy. If she doesn't shed the doughiness by seven or eight years, he'll consider a structured fitness regimen. Right now she can barely walk. The idea of subjecting her to athletic training is no better than forcing her on the Bataan death march. Hei has little experience with fatherhood. Even less with being a good father. But he has no interest in becoming Maxley -- that overbearing giant with his face twisted in its irritable scowl, his voice booming commands and his fists like battering rams when you didn't obey fast enough. ]
[ Gently, he grasps Mai's hands. It's a little ridiculous: he's practically bent in half as he coaxes her to walk. She is wobbly as a tightrope walker -- swaying to and fro as she tries for balance -- but so perfectly trusting. Her hands so tiny and soft in his, hot with a shivery heartbeat. A casual intimacy he wishes could go on forever. ]
[ Glancing up, he notices Korra gazing at them from the window, Naga an enormous white mass at her side. He blinks, before managing a dry twitch of a smile. Falling down on the big bad predator tip, if you don't even notice you're being watched. ]
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Date: 2015-06-22 10:34 pm (UTC)She flushes a little, caught watching him. She hasn't felt so painfully self-conscious around him in years... nor as concerned about his unpredictable temperament. She's too old to be going through the early days of their relationship all over again.]
Don't walk her too much yet... She'll get sick.
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Date: 2015-06-23 12:03 pm (UTC)[ Even now, when he's with her, he feels that familiar numbness fading from his extremities. ]
[ She flushes, and his mouth almost twitches into a real smile. Instead, he dutifully gathers Mai up into his arms. She crows a mighty moist-eyed protest, clearly wanting to try more of the Walking Thing. As Hei rocks her gently, she subsides into a burbling sputter, her round head swiveling on her neck like an owl's as she spots Korra and the Polar Bear Dog at the window. ]
[ Naaaadaaaa. Gleefully, she surges in his arms, practically attempting to swim through the air toward the Polar Bear Dog, like a salmon splashing upriver. With effort, Hei readjusts his grip so she won't fall. Brings her to the window, where Mai presses both pudgy hands flat against the glass. After a beat, Hei does the same, left palm flat, fingers spread, thinking absurdly of how, in prison movies, the convict and his girlfriend always try to touch hands like that through the Plexiglas barrier. ]
Window, [ he says to Mai, in English, enunciating it slowly but casually. An experiment of how many languages she can pick up. Then, in Portuguese, ] Janela.
[ Bin bela! Mai chirps in reply, looking so pleased with herself that he doesn't have the heart to correct her. Doesn't have the head, either, to contemplate anything beyond the satisfaction of her small squirmy weight in his arms. ]
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Date: 2015-06-23 12:23 pm (UTC)Her fingers clench Naga's fur as she fights off another bout of heartache, and she distracts herself with practicalities.]
How's her diaper? Does it need to be changed?
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Date: 2015-06-23 12:52 pm (UTC)[ Children are so clueless. It tries to be a snide thought. Except this baby must surely have been constructed by a wizard, her flailing arms and free-spilling giggles working like a pattern of inky lines in a magic spell, acting directly upon his belly to force a hiccup of laughter no matter how hard he tries to resist. Biting his lip, he grasps Mai around her rounded tummy. Lets her climb with hands and feet across the window -- a pint-sized spidergirl -- before he dares to meet Korra's gaze through the glass. ]
[ His grin has faded; the rest of his face seems pleasantly exhausted by trying to stopper the laughter. Quietly, ]
Is it okay if ... I take her to the beach?
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Date: 2015-06-23 01:19 pm (UTC)[Of course Korra would go as well, just to make sure Mai is safe with Hei. But that's not the reason she invited herself along. You’re not a happy little family, she reminds herself sternly. You can’t let your guard down just ‘cause it looks like he’s changed. You need to protect Mai.]
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Date: 2015-06-23 02:19 pm (UTC)[ Equal to Korra's expectations. ]
[ But he's staying, for Mai, for her. She is what he wants, to do right for her, to be right for her. ]
[ Maybe, if he can do that, and if she will go on being kind to him, her presence will help dispel those haunting reminders of his failure. Maybe her presence will make him into a normal man. (And if it doesn't -- it'll hurt, but that's how life is.) ]
[ Cradling Mai, he steps out onto the front porch to sniff the coolish evening air. Cicadas and crickets creak out of the tall grass, while the dark arcs of birds swoop across the purpling sky. The air has a salty, bracing tang that rapidly fills his nose and lungs. In his arms, Mai kicks and lets off a high-pitched burble, before subsiding into a fascinated silence as she regards the vista. ]
[ Peering down at her, Hei waits for Korra and Naga to come around. Her eyes glitter like two blue marbles in the gloaming; her focus is absolute, the lineaments of her face resembling Pai's when she first woke from her Remuneration, dreamy yet clear-gazed, her mouth a soft sated curl. ]
[ Quietly, ]
We'll try swimming. Not now. Maybe soon.
[ 'Oooon! Mai twitters in agreement, fat fingers plucking at his shirt collar. He has to fight a brief, terrible sadness -- knowing he'll return to his own little flat empty-handed, nothing but her nonsense prattle wheeling around in his skull. ]
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Date: 2015-06-23 02:33 pm (UTC)I've been meaning to clean up that little pond. [The scene of so many sexual rendezvous, yet it's still the safest place to practice swimming that Korra can think of. She doesn't want Mai dealing with the waves until she's stronger.] If you have any free time...maybe you could help?
[It's the first peace offering she's made that wasn't at the behest of Asami (or the knowledge of what Asami would tell her to do). A part of Korra already regrets inviting Hei further into her and Mai's life, but...well, the pool does need to be cleaned, and she doesn't have time to do it herself...]
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Date: 2015-06-23 09:18 pm (UTC)[ His voice is soft out of surprise, not reluctance. ]
Sure.
[ The pond was their favorite place to soak, a slice of private paradise -- although he'd always suspected Korra had used it with Asami before -- and the memory of it makes him heat from balls-up. Shaking it off, he focuses on Mai. It's easy enough -- the shore lies dreamy and tranquil under the blanket of the evening. Surf booms against the beachhead several yards down the gentle grade, a sound of earthbound thunder that makes Mai's eyes go hugely bright. ]
[ Baaa. Baaa. It's a quavery little question. Half-smiling, he stops where the sand is sparkling-wet, lapped by the lacy sway of surf. Kneels, and gently plucks Mai's miniscule shoes and socks off, before setting her down. She giggles, tiny toes wriggling in the sand; squeals at a stunned pitch of delight when the waves slosh in, the shock of cool water hitting her ankles. ]
[ Keeping a secure grip on her hands as she bounces, Hei dares a sideways glance at Korra, ]
Definitely half Water Tribe girl.
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Date: 2015-06-23 10:44 pm (UTC)[Korra wonders how many women's ovaries would burst seeing him like this — the perfect picture of a doting father. She’s ready to jump him and she even knows the truth.
It's just so nice to see Mai happy like this. Korra knows that the baby has picked up on her grief and sadness and, in the way of children and dumb animals, has been reflecting it back at her. Her moods are as mercurial as her father's, but these evenings with Hei seem to be a source of non-stop delight for her.
She settles down onto the sand, close enough to intervene if anything happens, but not enough to interrupt daddy-daughter time.]
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Date: 2015-06-23 11:49 pm (UTC)[ He doesn't know how he fell so dizzily in love. It really was like falling: one day Mai was just this bitsy squirming burden, and in the next she was enthralling, precious. He wants to know what this little girl holds dear: he'll give her as much of it as she wishes. He wants to know what she hates: he'll spare her the worst. ]
[ Dimly, he's aware of Korra settling closeby -- a pretty blue-eyed sentry. He resists the darkly wistful itch to glance at her, trace her with his gaze. Instead he focuses on Mai. Scooping her in his arms, he swings her so her tiny feet skim the glittering surface of the waves. Tosses her -- only to pluck her out of the air -- a playfully giddy twirl. The child lets off peals of laughter, looking positively tickled pink. Clearly the antics have her blessing to happen again and again. ]
[ The sky deepens from purple to inky blue. The moon and stars gain brightness, standing on their exact reflections on the surface of the night-darkened water. Splashing with Mai in the surf, Hei tries not to think of when he'll have to leave. It's already near Mai's bedtime. When he gathers her up, she opens her smiling little mouth in a yawn, exposing a bright scattering of milk teeth. ]
[ Fighting a mixture of affection and dread, Hei lets her burrow against his chest. Quietly: ]
Eat. Sleep. Play. It's a tough schedule.
[ Meh, sighs Mai, in drowsy agreement. ]
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Date: 2015-06-24 12:23 am (UTC)Yeah.
[Their arms are almost close enough to brush against each other as they walk back to the house. Weak weak weak but she can't make herself pull away until they're almost at the front door. She heads inside first to pull out Mai's pajamas. She sets them on the changing table and turns around to take the baby.]
Thank you.
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Date: 2015-06-24 12:45 pm (UTC)[ Reaching out, he splays his fingers across her belly: a ticklish piano movement. Mai lets off a sleepy, lisping murmur, squirming to lay her furry dark head against Korra's shoulder and hide her face. After a beat, she peeps at him, eyes twinkly, a shy curl of a smile at the apple of her cheek. ]
[ Hei almost smiles back. But his eyes are a contrariety, as if he's thinking already of his rickety little flat with its creaking ceiling fan, the threadbare pallet and the pervasive stench of mold growing in dark corners. He rarely ever sleeps there; mostly he prowls the streets at night, patrolling for trouble though there is nothing to find, feeling like he is poised on the lip of something big and enormous, a dark gelid lake he is supposed to dive into, that will envelop him so he vanishes. ]
[ He blinks forcibly, lifting his gaze to Korra's. His throat moves as he swallows. ]
I should be thanking you.
[ For letting him see Mai. For welcoming him into the house when she had every reason to reject him. Even if it's just a validation of their history, a compulsion fed by pity, he doesn't care. His visits to Mai have become a lifeline. ]
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Date: 2015-06-24 01:21 pm (UTC)I'll walk you out.
[Except that's not what she's doing, is she? It's what she should do. It's what she means to do. Yet she knows that's not what's actually going to happen. When they reach the front door and she pulls him in for a kiss, it's as inevitable as water flowing downhill.]
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Date: 2015-06-24 02:02 pm (UTC)[ He feels cool air on his teeth, and knows his mouth is open, ready to say a stilted goodbye. Instead Korra drags him close, her kiss exploding like hot sugar on his tongue. Hei lets off a ragged noise -- shock, approval, epiphany. It occurs to him, with a transfixed horror, that she might have stayed with him all this time, in a state that seems in retrospect like such bliss, if only Mai hadn't been born. She'd ejected him -- rejected him -- for the baby's safety. If not for that she'd have gone on treating him the same way, being the same way. ]
[ It's terrible; it reminds him of women who stay with bastards all their lives. Who go on tolerating the worst of abuses. Until it all runs together, a cold piling stream of wrongs, gathering and snowballing into disaster. ]
[ He is a disaster. Her desire for him -- it feels wrong no matter how welcome she is against his body. The symptoms of a damaged psyche, a youth of warped innocence, misjudged priorities -- even it was ever explicitly said, by either of them. ]
[ Shit. Shit. I can't be this person. I can't do this to her. ]
[ It is unthinkable. He refuses to think about it. He needs to escape. ]
[ Inhaling sharply, he jerks his mouth away from Korra's. Sets his hands on her shoulders, trying to gently edge her back. ]
You don't -- [ He sounds like there are gritty shards in his throat. ] You don't need to do this.
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Date: 2015-06-24 02:20 pm (UTC)She wanted to have Mai, yes. Becoming a mother was a decision she made. But that doesn't make it a bone-deep part of her identity. Her daughter isn't the only thing she needs. Motherhood, single motherhood, is exhausting and relentless.]
Excuse me? [She's pretty sure she knows where this train of thought is coming from, Hei being Hei, though she's too tired for indignation.]
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Date: 2015-06-24 02:40 pm (UTC)[ Like sleeping with him. ]
[ There is a silence at her end. Stubborn, incredulous, angry. He can't tell. His head is spinning. He'd never meant to embark on this physical shambles with her at all. Never meant to kiss her, not when he knows he's a bad habit she needs to drop. Yet here he is all flushed with tenderness, the impulse to touch her slipping by all his censors. ]
[ One hand stays clasped to her shoulder. The other lifts to encircle her head, fingers tangled in her hair, thumb stroking back and forth across that wonderful three-inch spot on her smooth brow. ]
[ When he speaks, it's imperceptibly shaky, self-conscious. ]
You can't want this. [ Or me. ] Not after everything I've done.
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Date: 2015-06-24 02:55 pm (UTC)Telling me what I can and can't feel isn't noble. It's degrading.
[In some ways, this is Hei at his worst. Physical violence she can take and dish back without feeling cowed; when he shuts himself off emotionally, she can understand and accept that as a defense mechanism. None of it frustrates her as much as when he tries to put her in a box, affix her with a label, deny her mastery of herself. He turns her from a person to a weapon with which he flagellates himself instead of putting in the hard work of changing.]
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Date: 2015-06-24 09:37 pm (UTC)It's not -- about being noble.
[ That whole martyr mentality makes him ill -- being ennobled through suffering, love a spiritual sickness rather than a sustenance, all that bullshit. Somewhere along the line it's become fashionable to be who you are not, squeeze yourself into cramped cubbyholes, spend your life in abject misery to disguise your basic self. If your nature is selfless, giving, honorable, open, unabashed, forthright, decent or whatever -- great, wonderful, bully for you. Not everyone is built the same way. ]
[ Which is what the problem is. Korra believes he's making excuses. That instead of struggling to change -- to bend and break himself into better shapes -- he's taking the coward's way out. She doesn't understand what a fine line he walks every moment -- submerged between who he wants to be, and what he'd forced himself to become. He knows he's dimensions and years away from the Syndicate, Heaven's War, Contractors. Yet he's so utterly altered by his ordeals in that life that he can't fit in to his new settings, can't meet the expectations of those around him, or his own expectations -- despite his best efforts. ]
[ He doesn't want to be this carved-out carcass. This walking hand-grenade. Yet he understands his problem is intensely personal so he must be responsible. Find that fine line between his needs and the existence of others. ]
[ His fingertips trace the curve of Korra's cheek. When he speaks, the words are rough and low with effort. ]
I know you're the best judge of what you need. But some things I did, Korra, not forgivable. We both know it.
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Date: 2015-06-24 09:59 pm (UTC)But it is a conversation they need to have. She needs to make her feelings clear before hormones make things even more muddy and complicated than they already are.]
You can't stay here. You can't move back in. You can't ever be alone with her. I'm never going to trust you again. [Without realizing it, she presses closer to him, her nipples growing hard as they rub against his chest.] This isn't about trust. [They fucked for years without really trusting one another, after all. ]
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Date: 2015-06-24 10:34 pm (UTC)[ If he succumbs to her right now, fucks her, it will be fed by obligation and self-loathing, because he is so heartsick for her that he'd almost like to believe such a thing could overcome his terrible betrayal. ]
[ He swallows around the knot in his throat. His fingers skim across Korra's cheek -- affection, apology -- before he forces them to drop away. Forces his body away from hers, his face held carefully inexpressive, even as want races along his nerves to reach every inch of his skin. This isn't about trust, she says. It's true that they've fucked while devoid of trust for years. Frequently fast, and violent, done in positions that let them wring pleasure from each other while yet remaining distant. Bodies banging together. ]
[ Except that neat expedience has lost its appeal. ]
I know you don't trust me anymore. But whatever's come between us, you'll always have Mai. You'll have your family, your work, and people who love you. You'll have your fling -- with me or with anyone else -- get the loneliness out of your system, and pull through.
[ He keeps his tone gentle, like it is some kind of reasonable proposal put to her. Tries not to stare at her, to throb with want. ]
[ Quieter, ]
It'll be worse for me after.
[ A few scraps of intimacy with her -- that's worse than none at all. ]
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Date: 2015-06-24 10:47 pm (UTC)Then you should probably go. [It's not petulant or angry, just a simple statement of fact. They're not going to get what they want from each other by lingering in the doorway.]
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Date: 2015-06-24 11:00 pm (UTC)[ Not anymore. ]
[ He can't say that to Korra. He simply nods, cutting his gaze away -- reticent, awkward. Feels at his back for the doorknob, not daring to glance at everything he can't have again -- before he slips out and makes his escape. ]