[ I don't know what I want. He doesn't know how to say that. Is afraid that once spoken, his terror will crystallize into a hot barbed nut in his brain, jamming a system that otherwise functions with such calm efficiency. Shit -- it's already jammed. He doesn't want to look at Korra either. Just the sound of her voice, the gentle effort in those words, makes the rims of his eyes sting. He wishes he could tackle this situation like a normal man. With a panic that falls within an acceptable range of responses -- tremulous babble, hiding under a piece of furniture -- and then become overly protective and giddy, a trend he's observed among a handful of beaming dad-to-be's. ]
[ Not -- this. Unhinged and over-dialed, bristling with a paranoia that verges on cowardice. The implication that he is a coward ... surely it's a sign that he's not the same person anymore? Except he is. The man he'd been before -- the same man he is now -- is afraid. Always afraid. It is fear that made him so ruthless, so unbeatable, a shadowy legend in the espionage world, because he'd learnt to channel the emotion away from his mind and into his words and fists. It is fear that made him crawl into whiskey bottles during his lowest moments, to court his own death, a flirtation neither of them took seriously. ]
[ It is fear driving him now -- a cold, deep-seated prickle at the edges of his thoughts. ]
I'm -- scared.
[ He lets off a hissing sound. Almost a laugh, except it's thick with self-loathing. How seldom he ever admits such a thing. How aware he is that he sounds like a whiny little bitch. ]
This ... thing growing inside you. I don't even know if it's good, Korra. It might turn into a monster.
[ A Contractor. Or some freakish mistake in between. Like me. He doesn't need to say it. ]
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Date: 2015-02-20 12:13 am (UTC)[ Not -- this. Unhinged and over-dialed, bristling with a paranoia that verges on cowardice. The implication that he is a coward ... surely it's a sign that he's not the same person anymore? Except he is. The man he'd been before -- the same man he is now -- is afraid. Always afraid. It is fear that made him so ruthless, so unbeatable, a shadowy legend in the espionage world, because he'd learnt to channel the emotion away from his mind and into his words and fists. It is fear that made him crawl into whiskey bottles during his lowest moments, to court his own death, a flirtation neither of them took seriously. ]
[ It is fear driving him now -- a cold, deep-seated prickle at the edges of his thoughts. ]
I'm -- scared.
[ He lets off a hissing sound. Almost a laugh, except it's thick with self-loathing. How seldom he ever admits such a thing. How aware he is that he sounds like a whiny little bitch. ]
This ... thing growing inside you. I don't even know if it's good, Korra. It might turn into a monster.
[ A Contractor. Or some freakish mistake in between. Like me. He doesn't need to say it. ]